You're Not You Read Online Free Page B

her armrest the briefest of glances. I took my hand off of it, bracing myself against my knees.
    But I didn’t see anything, just her pale skin, the faint marks from her waistband, and a freckle on her rib.
    “You may have to lower her waistband a little,” Evan said. He pushed her waistband down.
    “Is that it?” I asked her, glancing up. I was so close to her I could smell the faint powdered fragrance of the makeup on her cheeks. When she nodded and said yes I smelled the toothpaste in her mouth, a mix of mint and something like clove. Next to me Evan was warm and very close. I could smell the clean, laundry scent of his clothes.
    He pointed at a round white plastic ring inside her skin, with a plug in the center, attached at one side by a tiny plastic arm. Evan glanced at me and said, “That’s the valve. We call it the button a lot, I don’t know why. So now I go ahead and open it.”
    Kate said something and I leaned back a little to watch her lips move. Her bottom teeth overlapped slightly. “Don’t be nervous because of the valve,” she said. “It freaks out everyone.”
    This was a relief—I could hardly take my eyes off it. The valve was embedded in Kate’s flesh, a few inches above her navel, and the plug that closed it was the kind that holds air inside water wings. Evan took the plug by the little nubby tab and opened it gently.
    “It’s—she’s—lined with plastic. It doesn’t hurt. Now I need to insert the tube into the valve.” He steadied one hand against Kate’s belly and eased the tube in with the other. She sat silent and composed, and I tried to be as still as she was. Evan stopped inserting the tube. “You’ll feel a little click when it’s in right,” he said.
    “Now you give the can a good shake and then just pour it into the funnel.” He did both and then straightened up.
    This posture was hurting my back, so I stood up too, accidentally brushing against him. Evan moved a step away without saying anything, holding the full funnel in the air like a cocktail glass.
    “The first few days are the hard part,” Kate, and then he, said. “Once you actually start the hands-on stuff. But after a few days you get familiar.”
    “It doesn’t seem so terrible,” I said. Even to myself I sounded relieved. “It seems kind of straightforward, actually.”
    They exchanged a glance, and Evan went on, in the faster, more relaxed tone that I now realized meant he was speaking for himself and not Kate: “You can always give me a call at work if you need anything.” He glanced at Kate. I wondered if they said this to everyone, or if they sensed that I would really need it. I didn’t think I would. So far it seemed easy enough: You put makeup on; you fit a simple if weirdly intimate apparatus together. Really, except for the feeding tube, I wouldn’t do much for her that I couldn’t do for myself.
    “Or you can call Hillary, who’s the other caregiver, or one of Kate’s other friends. A lot of them are old caregivers.” He smiled at no one in particular. “No one wants to lose touch with her.”
    Kate grinned at me and said something, glancing at Evan and then back at me. I smiled uncertainly. Evan laughed and said, “ ‘They come to worship me.’ ”
    “Something about the wound in my side,” added Kate. For a moment I gazed, smiling uncomprehendingly, at her lips even after they had stopped moving. Then Evan repeated it, and I laughed. I laughed more loudly than it warranted, because I caught Kate’s pleased expression when she saw the joke was still funny secondhand, and because I knew she was making an effort for me.
    It was really very difficult getting to know someone like this. The more Evan translated, the more he spoke to me about what he was doing, the more I felt as though he and I were in conversation and Kate was off in the background. I made the effort to make eye contact with her and keep my attention on her, but really I wanted to focus on Evan. It was so