Time's Arrow Read Online Free Page B

them in a drawer somewhere. Maybe love will be like driving. When people move—when they travel—they look where they've come from, not where they're going. Is this what the human beings always do? Then love will be like driving, which doesn't appear to make much immediate sense. For example, you have five reverse gears and only one for forward, which is marked R, for Reverse. When we drive, we don't look where we're going. We look where we came from. There are accidents, sure, and yet it all works out. The city streams and pours in this symphony of trust.
    My career ... I don't want to talk about it. You don't want to hear about it. One night I got out of bed and drove—very badly—to an office. I then had a party with all my new colleagues. At six o'clock I went to the room with my name on the desk, donned a white coat, and started work. What at? Doctoring!
    As life speeds up like this I move among the urban people, in the urban setting, the city's metal and mortar, its sharper interactions, with more grit and bite in the gears. The city— and there are bigger cities than this (like New York, where the weather, I learn, continues to be temperate)—the city does things to the people who live in it. Does most things, perhaps, to the people who shouldn't be in the city. Not now. They are the wrong people in the wrong place at the wrong time. Irene shouldn't be in the city. Tod's at home here, in some ways. He has stopped driving out to Wellport but I bet he misses our time there, its vigorlessness so safe and morally neutral, when he wore the passive uniform of old age. The old aren't cruel, are they. We don't look to the old, to the stooped, for cruelty. Cruelty, which is bright-eyed, which is pink-tongued . . .
    This is more than city. This is inner city. And despite his newfound professional status, Tod lives among the underclass. Under, inner—how do these conditions express themselves? Jesus, how do cities get here? One can just about imagine the monstrous labors of the eventual demolition (centuries away, long after my time), and the eventual creation of the pleasant land—the green, the promised. But I'm awfully glad I wasn't around for the city's arrival. It must have just lurched into life. It must have just lurched into life out of a great trodden stillness of dust and damp. My colleagues at work, they tend to reside, prudently and intelligibly enough, up on the Hill or in the eastern suburbs, toward the ocean. But perhaps Tod Friendly has need of the city, where he can always drift among others, where he is never considered singly.
    My career move? One night about a month ago Tod woke up in an unusually desperate condition, half clothed, in fact, and with everything intolerably slewing around him—as if the bedroom was moored to a loosening capstan inside his gut, where his secret moans. I thought: No wonder I felt so terrible yesterday. For yesterdays are always terrible, when Tod hits the tea. Then he upped and did something . . . "significant": coyly significant. We went into the living room and seized the brass clock that has always adorned the shelf above our fireplace (oh, what strong hands he has), and violently enclosed it in the festive wrapping paper he found in the trash. Tod stood there for a moment, staring at the clock's face, and then the mirror's face, with a sallow smile. The room was still circling around us. Counterclockwise. In the car we bounded off to the reception at AMS, or Associated Medical Services, on Route 6. Tod, incidentally, unloaded our clock on one of the nurses, little Maureen. Little Maureen was agitated, but she made a nice speech. Little Maureen, whose face so disturbed me, fair, freckled, abjectly Nordic, the mouth too big or just too external, designed to express only powerlessness. Powerlessness: hope and no-hope, both at the same time.
    Well I can't pretend that this doctoring business came as a total surprise. For a while now the narrow house has been filling up