The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children Read Online Free Page B

gets mighty tiresome making up all them little beds every morning.
    To get rid of ants, spread boric acid around the house. We don’t know exactly why this works. Professor Harland K. Sampson’s theory is that that the ants take “acid trips,” flee in terror from hallucinations, and bash their little brains out against the wall.

Junkyards as Vacation Sites
    Most young’uns want to go to Disney World—which is fine if you and the family are willing to live on green beans the rest of the year.
    Instead of taking out a second mortgage on your trailer to buy Disney tickets, not to mention wearing yourself out with a long drive, consider taking the kids to your own town’s most fascinating attraction.
    Pack some baloney and tomato sandwiches, pick up enough RC colas for everybody, load the whole family in the car—and head on down to the junkyard!
    Car junkyards are a trip back in history. You can show your kids rusting Nashes and crumbling Henry Js, let ’em climb all through humongous Hudsons, and explore the dashboards of DeSotos.
    They’ll be amazed to see that pickup trucks ain’t the only vehicle ever put out by Detroit.
    Your brood can play soldiers in old broken-down army jeeps. In a junkyard they’ll find loads more places to play hide ’n’ seek—in the trunks of cars, under the hood if the motor’s been yanked, and in the back of old ice-delivery trucks.
    And there’s no end to the exciting things that kids can find in a junkyard to take home.
    Our boy Lonnie is pleased as punch with the Edsel floor mats on each side of his bed, and our daughter Betty Jean put up a big Chrysler rearview mirror so she can see to tease the back of her hair. It adjusts from daylight to night vision so she can primp even when the power company cuts off our lights.

    Redneck WRECK -reation park
    Wiley Watkins claims that during his visits to junkyards, he’s collected every dashboard cigarette lighter ever made. He says he got a phone call from the Smithsonian Institute begging him to sell his collection to them for over a hundred dollars. Of course, Wiley’s prone to stretching the truth until it hollers in pain.
    During junkyard junkets, your brood will make memories that will last forever.
    Our son Wimpy still talks about the time he stepped on a rusty nail and nearly lost his leg.
    His youngest brother, Lonnie, once had to climb a barbwire fence to keep a junkyard dog from ripping him to pieces.
    And Earlene Perkins still has a crooked finger from where her brother Junior playfully slammed a ’57 Imperial’s door on her hand.
    How can a dinky little picture of your kids with Minnie Mouse ever compare to unforgettable experiences like that?
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    Rednecks’ Five Favorite Vacation Spots
    1. Six Flags over Georgia
    2. South of the Border
    3. Junkyards with no guard
    4. Any fishin’ hole
    5. Home of out-of-state relative, living or dead
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    Other Family Outings
    When your kids are good, they deserve to get out of the house every couple of weeks.
    But you can’t always take them for tacos and Cokes, then to an Elvis film festival. This “eat, drink, and B movie” routine gets stale after a while.
    So try a night at the Holiday Inn, which is a big treat for most redneck families. The young’uns will play in the below-ground pool all night, and the parents will finally be able to catch up on their sleep.
    Country music concerts are also good family entertainment. Only problem is, big-name singers hardly ever come to our little town.
    Little Jimmy Dickens is the only superstar who’s been in this area over the past five years, and we had to drive our brood all the way over to Potato Ridge to catch his show.
    Come to think of it, the last good concert we saw in Chicken Neck was “Chuck Barris Presents Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine.”
    We pretty much have to limit our family outings to what’s already available in