The Habit of Art: A Play Read Online Free

author, who has just joined us. Good afternoon, Neil. Where’ve you been, darling? We’ve missed you.
    Author Newcastle, actually.
    Fitz Newcastle? Really? What were you doing there? It’s all vomit and love bites.
    Author I was judging.
    Fitz Malefactors?
    Author Playwrights, actually.
    Pause.
    Fitz I am saying nothing.
    Kay Now, Fitz, have you your slippers?
    Fitz ( displaying them ) I have. I also have my prosthetic cigarettes, my elephantine urine-stained trousers, my disgusting handkerchief and my plastic bag. The question is, have we got the mask?
    Author What mask?
    Kay gives Author a wide smile and carries on.
    ASM The mask is coming.
    Fitz They’ve been saying that for the last week.
    Tim ( whispering to the ASM ) Will I be doing the – ( seeing Charlie and whispering ) sucking-off?
    ASM Will we be doing the sucking-off?
    Author Sucking-off? What scene is that?
    Kay silences him with an uplifted hand.
    Kay Darling, can we not play it by ear?
    Fitz Ear?
    Kay indicates Charlie.
    Sorry. Though these days they probably know more about it than we do. All right, Charlie?
    Charlie nods without looking up from his game.
    Kay Right, everybody? Charlie, are you all right? Is Charlie all right?
    Joan ( reading ) Charlie’s fine.
    Author ( to Kay ) Sucking-off?
    Fitz If we’re starting, I suppose I should have gone to the loo, but it’s so far.
    Henry Far? There’s one just outside.
    Fitz No, I can’t use that. I don’t like to be overheard. In the whole of this bloody building there is only one loo I can use.
    Henry Which one is that?
    Fitz I’m not going to tell you. You might start using it.
    Kay OK, everybody.
    Author Where’s Stephen?
    Donald ( indicating speech ) Kay?
    Kay ( to Donald ) Your speech, love. I know. I haven’t forgotten.
    Kay’s attention to Donald ( playing Humphrey Carpenter ) should already signal that Donald is high maintenance.
    Running Act One. Ready! LIGHTS UP!
    Auden and Carpenter are listening to the love duet from Tristan and Isolde on the record player.
    Carpenter When you were singing that as a child, were you aware that your mother was taking the part of Tristan and you were singing Isolde?
    Auden Oh yes.
    Carpenter And were you aware of the implications?
    Auden I was. I’m not sure she was. My father made no comment. He was a doctor.
    Carpenter I am talking this evening with Mr W. H. Auden, formerly Professor of Poetry at the University and newly returned to Christ Church.
    Auden Am I addressing the nation?
    Carpenter Radio Oxford.
    Auden Why poets should be interviewed I can’t think. A writer is not a man of action. His private life is or should be of no concern to anyone except himself, his family and his friends. The rest is impertinence. Yes?
    ASM ( prompting ) ‘I was once rung from Hollywood…’
    Fitz, playing Auden, should keep correcting himself…and occasionally be prompted. He is far from word perfect.
    Auden I was once rung from Hollywood by Miss Bette Davis. She said, ‘Mr Auden, I’ve just been reading one of your poems.’ I said, ‘I’m glad to hear it, madam, but it’s two o’clock in the morning,’ and put the phone down.
    Chester has never forgiven me.
    Pause.
    Chester is my partner. Is that the word you use?
    Carpenter People do.
    Auden You can’t be arrested for using it?
    Carpenter shakes his head.
    Not even in England? Progress.
    Fitz ( to Author ) People will know, author, this is 1972?
    Author If they have any intelligence.
    Fitz Because you couldn’t be arrested for having a partner in 1972.
    Author Auden is being ironic. He means it and he doesn’t mean it.
    Fitz Yes. I know what irony means.
    Henry ( on the upper stage ) Actually, you could be arrested for having a partner in 1954, which is why the police interviewed Britten.
    Fitz Yes. All right.
    Henry And 1972 wasn’t such a paradise either. ‘How old are you? How old was he?’ They don’t let up that easily.
    Kay On we go.
    Henry Someone was had up only last week.
    Donald Thank