Pastoralia Read Online Free

your hand to buy that food in your face? We do. What do wewant of you? We want you to tell the truth. That’s it. That is all.”
    We sit awhile in silence.
    “Very simple,” he says. “A nonbrainer.”
    A white fuzzy thing lands in my arm hair. I pick it out.
    Down it falls.
    “Sad,” he says. “Sad is all it is. We live in a beautiful world, full of beautiful challenges and flowers and birds and super people, but also a few regrettable bad apples, such as that questionable Janet. Do I hate her? Do I want her killed? Gosh no, I think she’s super, I want her to be praised while getting a hot oil massage, she has some very nice traits. But guess what, I’m not paying her to have nice traits, I’m paying her to do consistently good work. Is she? Doing consistently good work? She is not. And here are you, saddled with a subpar colleague. Poor you. She’s stopping your rise and growth. People are talking about you in our lounge. Look, I know you feel Janet’s not so great. She’s a lump to you. I see it in your eye. And that must chafe. Because you are good. Very good. One of our best. And she’s bad, very bad, one of our worst, sometimes I could just slap her for what she’s doing to you.”
    “She’s a friend,” I say.
    “You know what it’s like, to me?” he says. “The Bible. Remember that part in the Bible when Christ or God says that any group or organization of two or more of us is a body? I think that is so true. Our body has a rotten toe by the name of Janet, who is turning black and stinking up the joint, and next to that bad stinking toe lives her friendthe good nonstinker toe, who for some reason insists on holding its tongue, if a toe can be said to have a tongue. Speak up, little toe, let the brain know the state of the rot, so we can rush down what is necessary to stop Janet from stinking. What will be needed? We do not yet know. Maybe some antiseptic, maybe a nice sharp saw with which to lop off Janet. For us to know, what must you do? Tell the truth. Start generating frank and nonbiased assessments of this subpar colleague. That’s it. That is all. Did you or did you not in your Employment Agreement agree to complete, every day, an accurate Daily Partner Performance Evaluation Form? You did. You signed in triplicate. I have a copy in my dossier. But enough mean and sad talk, I know my point has been gotten. Gotten by you. Now for the fun. The eating. Eating the good food I have broughten. That’s fun, isn’t it? I think that’s fun.”
    We start to eat. It’s fun.
    “Broughten,” he says. “The good food I have broughten. Is it brought or broughten?”
    “Brought,” I say.
    “The good food I have brought,” he says. “Broughten.”
    10.
    Back in the cave Janet’s made a nice fire.
    “So what did numbnuts want?” she says. “Are you fired?”
    I shake my head no.
    “Is he in love with you?” she says. “Does he want to go out with you?”
    I shake my head no.
    “Is he in love with me?” she says. “Does he want to go out with me? Am I fired?”
    I do not shake my head no.
    “Wait a minute, wait a minute, go back,” she says. “I’m fired?”
    I shake my head no.
    “But I’m in the shit?” she says. “I’m somewhat in the shit?”
    I shrug.
    “Will you freaking talk to me?” she says. “This is important. Don’t be a dick for once.”
    I do not consider myself a dick and I do not appreciate being called a dick, in the cave, in English, and the truth is, if she would try a little harder not to talk in the cave, she would not be so much in the shit.
    I hold up one finger, like: Wait a sec. Then I go into my Separate Area and write her a note:
    Nordstrom is unhappy with you , it says. And unhappy with me because I have been lying for you on my DPPEFs. So I am going to start telling the truth. And as you know, if I tell the truth about you, you will be a goner, unless you start acting better. Therefore please start acting better. Sorry I couldn’t say this in