Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) Read Online Free Page A

concoct.”  
    “Well, you need to decide what is more important to you. You can decide if being with him is most important or if you want to be with someone else. Women no longer seem to be an issue for you, but I also know that you struggle emotionally with them, so ultimately, is he what you really want?”  
    “I like to think so. But I can’t say for certain. I can’t allow myself to think about it too much without triggering a reaction. Something I’ve worked very hard to control.”  
    “You just don’t want people to know,” he counters, and he’s right, I don’t. It’s not so much that I don’t want them to know that I’m pretty confident that I’m gay - well okay, there is that aspect of it too, but that’s beside the point. I don’t need to try and answer a million and one questions about why I seize up, why I throw up or why I freak out.  
    I continue, “Eric and I have known each other for so long, I’m pretty sure, at some point in this journey, we’ve crossed the friendship lines and I no longer know where those boundaries are with us. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been around him for ten years. I know a lot about him, but I don’t know intimate things about him. Neither one of us has ever dated anyone while the other is around. I never became that friend he confided in when shit hit the fan with whoever he was dating, therefore leaving me a very small window of knowledge on how he’d be intimate with someone. Let alone the fact that intimacy, on any level, scares the hell out of me. It’s nearly impossible to be sexually attracted to someone when you can’t get it up at the mere thought of them.” Dr. V and I have no secrets, he knows everything about the issues I have whenever I fight my converted nature, when I tamp it down long enough to attempt to feel anything. While mentally I can process a lot of it, the physical side of things is nearly impossible for me to achieve. In other words, my dick stays limp.  
    In an attempt to try and curb the problem I have, turning things strictly sexual, I watched porn once with two bisexual men who had no issues touching one another. I was great, it was hot, I was turned on until the two guys in the video kissed each other. I immediately went soft and ran for the bathroom. Which, even if it is straight sex, it comes up, but I rarely get off.  
    “What do you think stops you from ‘getting it up’?” Dr. V asks, interrupting my disappointing trip down memory lane.  
    I can picture Dr. V’s sheepish look on his face as he asks me that question. For being a psychologist, he’s quite the prude. It makes me smile. His clinical talk gets old fast, and I imagine he spends most of his night at home either updating patient notes or playing some random computer game. He’s older, but the eternal bachelor. I would imagine it’s not easy dating a doctor of his caliber and he seems like the type that would have given up on it for the sake of his own sanity. In short, he’s a pretty big geek.
    “The pit that forms in my stomach the moment I let my mind wander in that direction. Sometimes the nausea isn’t so bad, but it’s usually enough to kill an erection.”  
    “Have you ever tried to imagine him as a woman?”  
    “Uh…” I raise an eyebrow at myself in the mirror hanging on the wall across from me.  
    He chuckles, “Not literally, but when you look at a woman and you become attracted or aroused by her, what is it that turns you on?”  
    “I’m not sure I know how to answer that.”  
    He chuckles again. “Well, next time you look at him, put him into the context of which you would apprise a woman. See if you can get or keep that erection. If you can, then it is a step in the right direction.”  
    “Baby steps,” I mutter. “I’m tired of baby steps.”  
    “Calvin, so much of what you’re feeling is truly 'mind over matter'. Yes, your repulsion is a conditioned response, but much like you did with women, you