have stuff we have to work out. Are you there, Jessie?’”
He stared at me. “God.”
“What?”
“You remember it word for word.”
“I’ll remember it till the day I die.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say that word again. Tell me why.”
“I just told you why. She was pregnant. I felt I had to do the right thing and go back to her.”
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
“I was ashamed, it’s true, but I honestly thought the truth would hurt you more.”
“That’s so lame. Didn’t you stop to imagine how I felt? You left me hanging. Hanging above nothing ’cause I knew nothing. One moment I’m the love of your life and the next a cheerleader has taken my place.”
He nodded. “It was dumb, I made a mistake. I should have explained everything to you. Please forgive me.”
“No.”
“Jessie?”
“I don’t forgive you. I can’t. I suffered too much. You say you felt you had to do the right thing so you went back to her. Let me ask you this—were you still in love with her?”
“I was never in love with Kari.”
“Were you in love with me?”
“Yes.”
“Then what you did was wrong. So she was pregnant. So she wept and begged you to come back for the sake of your child. That doesn’t matter. I was more important to you, I should havebeen more important. You should have said no to her.”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why not?” I demanded.
“Because when she rolled up her shirt and I saw that growing bump, and realized that it was true, that it was mine, my flesh and blood, I knew I had to take care of that baby.”
“Bullshit.”
“You’re wrong, Jessie. At that moment, nothing mattered more to me than that child. And yes, forgive me, but it mattered even more than us.”
I stood. “Get out.”
He stood. “We should talk more.”
“No, leave. This was all a . . . mistake. Go stay with Ted.”
Jimmy stepped toward the door, put his hand on the knob. He was going to leave, he wasn’t going to fight me. That’s what I liked about him, how reasonable he could be. And that’s what I hated about him, that he hadn’t fought for me. I was the one who had to stop him.
“Where’s the baby now?” I asked. Kari had graduated at the end of January and left campus early. I assumed she’d had the child.
But Jimmy lowered his head. He staggered.
“We lost him,” he said.
“She had a miscarriage?”
“No.” The word came out so small. I put my hand to my mouth.
“Don’t tell me she had the baby and it died?” I gasped.
He turned and looked at me, pale as plaster. So frail, so hollow. I felt if I said the wrong word, he’d shatter.
“His name was Huck. He lived for three days.”
“Why did he die?” I asked.
The wrong words. Jimmy turned, opened the door, spoke over his shoulder. “You’re right, I should go. We can talk later.”
He left; it was amazing how much it hurt. It was like he was breaking up with me all over again. It was then I wished I hadn’t said the “why” word. We should have left it at the hug.
CHAPTER THREE
I DID NOT LEAVE MY ROOM FOR SOME TIME, AND WHEN I did, I found a note from Debbie and Alex. They had left to find the kids from our class and plan the night’s festivities. That’s the word Alex chose—“festivities.” I doubted she had seen Jimmy’s face when he had left our suite.
I was tired and knew we’d be up late. I tried napping but had trouble falling asleep. Huck haunted me, perhaps the way he haunted Jimmy. I didn’t fool myself. Jimmy had won our fight—if it could be called that. And here I had been positive I would humiliate him when we finally spoke. I was sure I owned the moral high ground. But Jimmy was right, the child was his own flesh and blood; it transcended infatuation, even our love, never mind that the infant had died.
I kept wondering what had killed Huck.
A part of me sensed Jimmy did not know the whole story.
At some point I must have blacked out. The next thing I knew, Alex was