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are supposed to be happy about overtime. It means more football.
    15. Make sure you know which two teams are playing because they’re going to switch channels during commercials. They’ll watch other games at the same time, so be on your toes. If you’re only rooting for “the guys in blue,” you could end up cheering for the enemy of a different game. At any moment, there might be three different games on the television within an hour. I know. I’m sorry.
    16. If, like me, you’re ever in a situation where you are in a public place and your boyfriend is standing in the middle of the bar shouting, “That’s what I’m talking about! You cannot fuck with the Cowboys!” it is completely okay to pretend you do not know him at all. Get someone to buy you a drink.
    17. I don’t care how persuasive they are, it is not tradition to take off your shirt when there’s a turnover. You don’t have to do it.
    18. The Super Bowls are counted off in Roman numerals. Don’t say the X’s and I’s. Hey, I don’t know what level of expertise you’re on. I’m just checking.
    19. If you are watching the Super Bowl, you will probably have to sit through the pregame and the postgame festivities. It’s okay to laugh at the pregame stuff (which involves a terrible film of some guy making the Super Bowl ring), but it is not okay to laugh at the postgame footage. The levels of beer consumption are so drastically different before and after the game that it’s best not to have any reaction that might affect an emotionally vulnerable, boozy sports fan.
    20. The season does end eventually. Then you get to watch hockey, basketball, and baseball! (These are things you’re supposed to be excited about.)
    Now go out there and fake it like a pro. That swirly feeling you might get at first is only the guilt from completely lying to the people that you love. You just have to break through that. It gets much easier with time. Go team!
    Love until later,
    Anna K
    Â Â Â Â -----
Subject: Orgasms
    ANNA K, I WILL GIVE YOU A REAL ORGASM IF YOU WRITE TO ME AND SEND PANTIES PLEASE YOU WON’T NEED A BOOK WITH ME.
    ED
    -----
    Was it wrong that I even loved my creepy fan mail?

000005.
    Dale’s birthday party was in three days and my stories were coming along nicely. I knew he was going to love his present. I printed out some of my fan mail to brag about my “audience.”
    My sister Shannon called to find out what I was getting Dale. She and Dale have always gotten along since last Easter, when he flew home with me. I couldn’t find either of them for two hours. Turned out they were hiding in the garage, smoking dope, and going through my fifth-grade diary.
    â€œIs he still into those stained-glass things?” she asked.
    â€œThat was last year,” I said as I walked out to my balcony, crooking the phone under my head. I gave a quick look back to see if my cat was planning his great escape, but Taylor was sacked out on the kitchen table.
    â€œI can’t keep up with his fads,” Shannon said. I heard her light a cigarette.
    â€œYou know what to get him,” I said.
    â€œI am not buying anyone a theatre mask.”
    Dale collects theatrical happy/sad masks. Some are paintings, others are statues. His Christmas tree is a terrifying ornamental ordeal. We’ve all spent several nights outside of Dale’s company complaining about how creepy the collection is.
    â€œIt’s cheesy and wrong and it makes me not want to be his friend,” she said.
    I laughed. “I’ll tell him you said that,” I said.
    â€œShut up. I think for his birthday I’m going to rid his bedroom of all the scary masks and it’ll be the best gift ever.”
    â€œI just don’t go into his bedroom. It works out better for all of us that way.”
    â€œIt only works out better for Jason.” We often joked that Dale’s