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software updates she absolutely could not live without. Jen’s latest strategy was to purposely make her machine crash, so he’d have to come up and take a look at it. Despite her efforts, Tom had yet to ask her out.
    â€œDo you know how long it’s been since Kitty’s gotten any? It’s been . . . oh my God, it’s been a month. Shoot me now. Take me to a nunnery! This is tragic!” Kitty was Jen’s nickname for the area of her body her bikini bottoms barely covered. I found it more than a little disturbing that she referred to that region in the third person.
    â€œI’ve read that after about three months of celibacy, you don’t crave sex anymore. But the desire comes back right away when you start dating again,” I said.
    â€œCelibacy? Don’t use such cruel terms. I don’t want my sex drive to go into neutral. I’m too young.”
    â€œThink of all the work you could get done if you weren’t trying to get laid all the time.”
    â€œWhat work is it exactly that you think I need time to devote myself to?”
    â€œDon’t you have any hobbies you wish you had more time for?”
    â€œYes, sex. So you see just how dire the situation is.”
    It was about 9:30 when Jen and I stopped talking and started pretending to work. I went back for three more cups of coffee in an attempt to caffeinate myself to the brink of functioning. Not that my new job wasn’t infinitely better than harassing strangers over the phone into answering quantitative questions about their favorite shampoo brands, but it got pretty dull all the same.

JEN
    Office Romance: How to Royally Screw Over Your Career
    A ll was chaos and misery. How was I supposed to get any work done in such an environment? Jim from sales was buying a bride from overseas and my officemate Avery was trying to get herself some nookie by begging for it over the Internet. My own love life was in absolute shambles despite my heroic efforts. Where was gorgeous Tom from IT? Why hadn’t he come to heed my call for help? Did he care at all how much effort it took to think of new ways to get my computer to crash or new programs I absolutely had to have installed just to lure him up to my office? The efforts I went to for love!
    Of course I’d always thought Tom was magically delicious, but until four weeks ago I’d had to restrain my lust in the name of monogamy. No more!
    Since Dave and I broke up for the fifth, and absolutely last, time, I’d lost six pounds. There was nothing like brutal rejection to get a girl to lose her appetite. But it was the best thing; it really was. I was so over his gambling, titty-bar-going, drunken bullshit. Yeah he was hot and had a great body and was so much fun. You don’t realize how boring most guys are until you break up with your boyfriend. During the times Dave and I were separated, I went out with men who were so excruciatingly dull, Dave’s DUI’s and unpaid credit card bills and absolute avoidance of housework seemed like no big deal. Endless dinners talking about the real estate market and foot surgery would send me running back to Dave with open arms. But did Dave’s exceptional talents in oral sex make up for the fact he ravaged my credit rating? (I know, it was so stupid for me to cosign his car loan, but I was in love and what was a girl with a properly cared for clitoris to do when Dave pointed out that we were, after all, going to get married someday and our finances would essentially be combined anyway, and in any case, his gorgeous brown eyes and sexy smile were asking so sweetly?) No. Did toe-curling neck-kissing abilities make up for the fact he almost never took me out to dinner and absolutely never made me dinner at any time during the three or so years we lived together despite all the gourmet meals I spent hours planning and preparing? No. Did the way he could always make me laugh, no matter how much he was acting like an