Voodoo Children - A Bubba the Monster Hunter Short Story Read Online Free Page B

under the age of thirty does something
spectacularly stupid, that there’s always a girl
involved.”
    “ How often does your theory
turn out to be true?”
    “ So far, one hundred per
cent of the time. Now go on. There’s a girl. You like her, but she
won’t give you the time of day.”
    “ Well, kinda. We like each
other; at least she says she likes me. But she won’t go steady with
me until I can come up with seven thousand dollars
cash.”
    “ Do I even want to know what
the money is for?”
    “ She wants a boob job. It’s
tax-deductible, because of her work. She’s an exotic dancer at the
Ride ‘Em Cowboy. And she swears she’ll pay me back, but I’ve got to
come up with the money before the prices go up again.”
    “ So you’re in love with a
stripper, who tells you that she likes you, and she’ll be your
girlfriend if you’ll buy her a new set of boobies?”
    “ Yes, sir.”
    “ Take that stupid mask off.”
I reached out and snatched it off of him. He wasn’t a bad looking
kid. Certainly didn’t look like a rocket scientist, but he was no
freak show. Eyes in the right place, nose shaped roughly like what
a nose ought to be, one ear on each side of his head. All in all,
he was alright. A couple of leftover zits from high school maybe,
and he might have had a little of that ferrety look that skinny
people sometimes have, but he wasn’t hideous or
anything.
    “ Why in the world do you
think you have to buy this girl a pair of boobs for her to like
you? Don’t you think a girl can like you for who you
are?”
    “ Maybe some girls do, but
not this girl. And she’s the prettiest girl in the whole world,
mister. I know if you met her you’d see what I mean.”
    “ Well, what’s her
name?”
    “ Brandy.” I remembered her.
And her boobs.
    “ Yeah, I saw her at the club
yesterday.”
    “ Then you know why I’m doing
this.”
    “ Yeah, ‘cause you’re an
idiot. Look, kid, lemme tell you something about women. Especially
women that take their clothes off for money. They are all after one
thing, and it ain’t the same thing all us guys are after. You
understand me?”
    “ No.” This boy was obviously
dumber than a box of hammers.
    “ Look. She don’t love you.
She loves the money she thinks she can get from you. You give her
that money the only thing you’re gonna get in return is bigger
boobs when you buy your next lap dance from her.”
    “ That ain’t right! She loves
me! We’re gonna get out of this town and run away
together.”
    “ Yeah, and I’m gonna be the
next spokesmodel for Jenny Craig?”
    “ Really? How much weight you
gonna lose?”
    I slapped him upside the head so hard he fell
to one knee. “Don’t be stupid son. Or at least try not to be as
stupid as you’ve been this week. You are tampering with things you
can’t control. You are raising the dead, boy! Don’t you get what
happens to people who mess with the forces of darkness?”
    “ Well, I might go to hell,
but if I quit right after I get enough money and repent of my sins
and don’t do it again, I oughta be okay.”
    “ What are you, Presbyterian?
You don’t get off that easy once you go down the dark path. Kid, I
wasn’t sent here to save you from yourself, I was sent here to kill
you.” I might have stretched the truth a little, but he didn’t need
to know that I was being paid to kill zombies and remove the
creator. Uncle Joe didn’t care how I did it, as long as the dead
people stayed dead in Columbia after I left.
    “ Oh.” He went even paler
than he already was and sat down in the dirt. I watched as a couple
of big fat tears started to well up in his eyes and roll down his
cheeks. Then his skinny bare shoulders started to shake, then he
threw his arms around my legs and he sobbed into my knees. “Please
don’t kill me, mister! I’m too young to die! Please, let me
live!”
    I gave him a little kick and got up so I’d be
out of range if he started crying again. “Cut that shit out,