The Meltdown of a Banker's Wife Read Online Free Page A

sleep. Her eyes were red-rimmed with dark circles underneath. Meanwhile, the children in the back were eerily quiet.
    â€˜Well, let’s have a good day out today,’ she said brightly. ‘I’ve brought a big picnic. Do you remember when we were students and picnics meant baguettes, Camembert, strawberries and champagne?’
    â€˜No,’ replied Kelly curtly.
    â€˜Oh.’

8
    They drove along the motorway, leaving at the exit indicated by the brown sign as being the way to Aphid World. Every so often, Mel peeked at the mirror to witness amazingly quiet children. Kelly closed her eyes and went to sleep.
    â€˜Are we nearly there yet?’ asked Michael.
    That started it.
    â€˜I’m bored!’
    â€˜Are we nearly there yet?’
    The mantra began, all the children joining in. Kelly carried on sleeping. Lucky Kelly.
    â€˜It’s not far now,’ she soothed; but it’s impossible to explain time to children of seven and under. Have you tried it? It’s either,
    â€˜We are there now.’
    or,
    â€˜We are there never.’
    Nothing in between.
    Ivan started squealing. ‘The poo’s coming out of my bottom! I can’t hold it in!’
    Come to think of it, there was a bit of a farty smell. Typical … miles away from any facility, not even a hidden bush and Ivan was touching cloth.
    â€˜Oh come on, Aphid World,’ begged Mel out loud. ‘I’m sure you weren’t this far away last time!’
    Feverishly she hunted the road for signs, going over little bridges, around hair-pin bends and up and down hump-back hills. Amy and Matilda appreciated the hills, squealing with tickly delight. Amy actually sounded like a little girly girl!Mel started to relax and forget about the imminent faecal explosion when suddenly there was explosion of a different, but equally revolting kind. Michael vomited in a huge parabolic, projectile stream, which landed straight on her head.
    â€˜Oh God! Oh God!’ She swerved to the side of the road and stopped. Vomit dripped down her face and warmly oozed into her ears. But would you believe it? Kelly was still asleep. Mel went around to the back doors of the car and opened the one near the road’s verge. Assorted children fell out. Michael looked green and had a small amount of vomit speckled on his trousers. Most of it was all over Mel and down the back of the driver’s seat, dripping gloopily like lumpy oil onto the newly-valeted carpet. Meanwhile, Ivan ran around in circles, bent slightly forward, thighs together and bottom poking out at a 30-degree angle.
    â€˜Toilet!’ he cried. She looked desperately around for some leaves and some cover and settled for the grass verge which was shielded from view of the road by the wings of the open car doors. She found some wet wipes and told Ivan not to worry as poo was totally biodegradable. Kelly was still asleep. All hell was breaking loose and Kelly snoozed through the lot! What was she on? Mel wished she could have some.
    â€˜Oh, you’re awake then!’ Mel exclaimed as Kelly opened both eyes wide and blinked in a lizardly sort of way. Kelly slowly became aware of her surroundings – the smell in particular.
    â€˜Eeugh! What’s that smell?’
    â€˜Look at me, Kelly,’ suggested Mel quietly. ‘Look at my hair. What do you see?’
    â€˜Oh my God! Is that puke in your hair? Oh my God!’
    â€˜Indeed,’ nodded Mel wisely. ‘I really don’t know what to do now. We’re nearly at Aphid World but we can’t very well go in like this, can we?’
    â€˜Have you got some wet wipes?’ Kelly enquired weakly.
    â€˜Been there. Done that. No more wet wipes.’
    Kelly had just found Ivan’s little offering on the grass verge and Ivan was busy scrubbing away at his bottom with a dock leaf.
    â€˜I know!’ smiled Kelly in a Eureka sort of way. ‘Let’s go to one of those motel places and have a