The Life of Lee Read Online Free Page B

anger went from nought to sixty in about two seconds.
    For Dad, that perceived slight was like a gauntlet thrown at his feet – there was no way he’d let anyone get away with that. ‘I’m gonna kick that bloke’s teeth in as soon as he stops,’ he muttered, with barely suppressed rage.
    As Wayne and I cringed in terror on the back seat, Dad became consumed by the idea of following this commuter all the way back to his house and having it out with him. After half an hour of frantically pursuing the guy home, we watched on in horror as Dad jumped out of the car, his blood still boiling. The innocent commuter parked up on his drive, only to be confronted by a snarling Dad leaping out of a nearby privet hedge.
    ‘Who are you?’ the guy asked.
    ‘Never mind who I am, who’s this?’ Dad replied, holding up his fist threateningly.
    The poor, unsuspecting commuter – whose only mistake in twenty-five years’ driving back and forth to work had been unwittingly to cut up this nut case – then received a punch up the pinstripe on his own driveway. Blood dripping from his nose, he was only able to mumble, ‘What was that for?’ as Dad stormed back to our car.
    ‘Nobody gets away with cutting me up!’ replied the Incredible Hulk – sorry, Dad.
    But just ten minutes later, he would be back to being riotously funny. He would spot a helicopter overhead and take on the guise of a policeman, pretending to talk into his crackly radio or swerving on to a grass verge as if in pursuit of a rogue terrorist.
    He also had a very loud laugh – you couldn’t sit with him in public because it was too embarrassing. Round the Horne, The Goons, Hancock’s Half-Hour and The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band were always on in our house – like they were on a loop – and he would sit in the lounge laughing uproariously. Then, a click of the finger and – boom! – he would explode again.
    That was life with Dad. It was always lively, and you never quite knew where you were. It was like living on the slopes of Mount Etna. It was beautiful and sunny at times, but you were constantly living in the shadow of the volcano and you could never quite be sure when it would next erupt and engulf everything in its path. No wonder I grew up a nervous wreck!
    The other huge character who bestrode my childhood was my elder brother, Wayne. Although he is only two years older than me, he would always fearlessly spring to my defence – and sometimes get a beating for his troubles from much bigger lads.

    Wayne and me in Prestatyn, North Wales.
    But we were very different characters. I was constantly on edge and would always think of the worst-case scenario, whereas Wayne was the life and soul of the party – he had much more of a ‘live and let live’ disposition. He has always been a very funny man to be with and would constantly play jokes on me when we were growing up.
    For instance, when we were teenagers and Dad was out working the pubs and clubs in the evening, Mum would like to go with him, leaving us alone in the flat. One time, Wayne got hold of a copy of the film The Exorcist . After watching it together, unbeknownst to me, he sneaked into our shared bedroom and loosened the legs of my bed. Then, when I got in that night, my bed shifted violently across the room, just like the girl’s in the film. After the bed finally settled, all I could hear through the darkness was Wayne giggling uncontrollably.
    Then there was the old ‘Lee, look out, there’s a car coming!’ gag he used to love to pull. He’d shout that to me every time we crossed an empty road together, ensuring that I would always leap into the air with shock while he would fall about clutching his sides with mirth. It usually had the desired effect.
    Feeling flush one day when we were about twelve and ten, Dad bought us a couple of small fishing rods, as well as all the bits and bobs one might need for a spot of angling. Not a massive fan of fishing, I did ask if I couldhave the money