The Importance of Being a Bachelor Read Online Free Page B

inevitable.
     
    Adam plucked his long since popped-up toast out of the toaster, slapped a large wedge of butter on each slice and headed back into the living room. For a while he sat on the edge of the sofa, intermittently chewing his toast and slurping his tea, while he stared at the fireplace thinking about everything and nothing until an idea suddenly presented itself. Adam began searching the room first for some paper (in the end he had to settle for the back of the envelope that his latest gas bill had arrived in) and then for a pen (in fact a stubby IKEA pencil that he found down the side of the sofa) and then began writing. At the top of his envelope he wrote the following:
     
    things i should be looking for in the right kind of woman
     
     1. Must have read at least one book in the previous month.
     2. Must be no prettier than a solid eight out of ten.
     3. Must not consider sleeping with me until after first date.
     4. Must have a career of some kind (this excludes ALL models and actresses).
     5. Must want to start a family.
     6. Must be able to cook without use of microwave.
     7. Must be able to hold a conversation.
     8. Would be nice if she had a sense of humour (though not compulsory).
     9. Must not have been sick through overindulgence in the last three years.
    10. Must occasionally like doing cultural stuff.
    11. Must be over thirty (preferably over thirty-five).
    12. Would ideally be a non-cat owner (but given item eleven am prepared to be flexible on this one).
    13. Must not be currently seeing a therapist.
    14. Must not possess more than a moderate belief in complementary medicine . . .
    15. Or astrology.
    16. Must like me.
     
    Adam looked over the list. This was it. This was brilliant. Everything that he wanted in the right kind of woman together with the perfect method of weeding out the wrong kind. Just to double-check his list’s brilliance Adam decided to score Ameee with the three ‘e’s against it and was pleased to discover that she would have scored a very poor three out of sixteen and been sent packing. Adam then did the same for his last three conquests (a one-time glamour model, the ex-girlfriend of a former Liverpool defender, and a former Big Brother contestant) and was delighted to see that they too would have been weeded out.
    Maybe the boys were right: maybe he should have done away with this kind of girl a long time ago. Without further challenge to his synapses he closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep.

‘Twenty minutes after Luke met her.’
    Mid-morning on Sunday found Russell in the kitchen of his shared house in Chorlton pouring a huge mountain of Coco Pops into his bowl. Returning the cereal packet to the cupboard he was about to bend over the counter and hoover up a number of stray Coco Pops with his lips when his mobile phone buzzed. The message was from Angie: ‘Thanks for talking me off the ledge and feeding me lager! Love you! A xxx’. Russell smiled and was about to return to his Coco Pops when his phone buzzed again: ‘PS. I hope you’re not having Coco Pops for breakfast again! Those things will kill you!’ Russell kept his eyes fixed on the screen in the knowledge that when Angie was in this kind of mood the texts tended to come in threes. Sure enough, a third message arrived: ‘PPS. And whatever you do don’t spend all morning mooning over Cassie!!!! That’s an order!!!’
    At the very sight of Cassie’s name Russell felt his frame sink under the weight of remorse. Remorse for being in love with his brother’s girlfriend and even worse for having shared this knowledge with another human being. Heading to the living room Russell settled down in front of his Sunday newspaper and found himself distracted from both cereal and newspaper by the question of why he’d ever told Angie about Cassie in the first place. For starters admitting to fancying your brother’s girlfriend was more than a bit weird. Normal people, didn’t do that kind of thing