The Exquisite and Immaculate Grace of Carmen Espinoza Read Online Free Page B

at home cooking and preparing for the crowds of family and friends that would be coming in and out of their home tonight and the all of tomorrow. She had sent Sergio, Anna, and me to the parade so we would be out of her way.
    I pulled my eyes from the twelve foot angel and gave Sergio a questioning look.
    “Comparsa,” he said again as if this explained everything. When I continued to stare blankly he laughed and shook his head. “You don’t speak any Spanish.”
    Sergio was only twelve, but still, my face flushed and I could feel the embarrassment over my ignorance begin to grow. Anger flashed in my chest and I turned my face back to the crowds passing before us. He’s teasing you Carmen. He’s teasing, nothing more. Let it go. Always I had to give myself these calm down talks.
    Oblivious to my battle, Sergio tried to explain, “Comparsa is like a carnival group. They dress up…with masks. Once it gets darker they will parade down the streets.”
    Still not trusting myself to say anything, I continued my stony stare into the crowd. Sergio shifted uncomfortably, his eyes focused on me. “You’re mad,” he said.
    “No I’m not,” I said still staring ahead, a family with three small children dressed as vampires walked by.
    “Yes you are,” he said turning to watch the other children pass us. “I can always tell.”
    Surprised, I turned to him, “You can?”  
    “I can too,” Anna, who hardly ever said anything to me added. “But mostly you’re just sad.”
    Feeling exposed, I stared at them both. Since I had been here, I hadn’t really given much thought to either one of them—and this was the first time I’d ever been alone with them.  
    “Come on,” Sergio said taking his little sister’s hand. “Let’s go find a seat before they all fill up.”
    I nodded my head and forced a small smile. We joined the crowds flowing down the street, searching for the best spots to view the parade of mummers that would begin as soon as the sun had dropped far enough below the horizon. Only in the dark would the people cloaked as death shake and dance in the attempt to coax the souls of loved ones to return to the living families who loved them.
    Hand in hand, Sergio and Anna led the way through the crowd in front of me. Twice Sergio pulled his sister closer to him when the crowd threatened to separate them. I trailed after them, mesmerized, wondering what it felt like to be them.  
    What was life like for Anna? She had the love of her whole family—what did that feel like?
    But most girls had that.
    Most girls did get normal lives and not crazy mothers. And because their mothers were not busy reading the bible every spare second of the day, these girls knew how to dress and do their makeup, these girls knew how to make friends.  
    As I followed them, the thoughts spun faster until the injustices of my life collected into a tight ball at the base of my throat. There was my mother, disheveled and mumbling scripture, forbidding me from every experience that might otherwise have trained me to function like a normal person. My father, who I barely remembered, the man who escaped into a life without my mother but didn’t care enough to rescue me as well.  
    And Daniel. Always the specter of Daniel hung over everything. He was the shroud that blocked out the light so nothing could grow right.  
    I again thought of the picture in my bag, blonde hair blazing, happy and smiling—dead. Did Daniel and I once hold hands like Sergio and Anna?  
    The crowd pushed in around us and a panic rushed though my veins as people filled the spaces between me and the kids.
    I was going to lose them.
    Suddenly, a small hand reached through the mass of people and found mine. The touch shocked me, but when I looked, I could see it was Anna’s hand. Her small fingers curled around mine
    “I don’t want to lose you,” she shouted so I would hear before she began pulling me after them through the crowd.
    The force of her tiny