THE BRO-MAGNET Read Online Free Page A

that maid of honor dress, her own stockings are held up by garters and she’s, um, traveling commando.
    Holy shit!
I’m hoping that the fact that everyone’s consumed a lot of alcohol, coupled with the fact that my kneeling body is right in front of her, will prevent the crowd from seeing what I just saw, which includes London, France and Three Sheets’s lack of underpants. Maybe they only caught a flash and will think that dark thatch I’m seeing up close is some part of her hiked purple dress?
    Quickly, I deposit the garter somewhere below her knee and immediately pull her dress down so everything’s all modest again.
    As the guests groan – “Couldn’t you get it up?” (very funny) “Couldn’t you get it any higher?” – and the garter falls back down around her ankle, Three Sheets leans forward in her chair and now I’m getting a big serving of cleavage.
    “You’re cute, Mr. Speechmaker,” she says, placing hands on either side of my face for a squeeze and in the process reminding me a little too much of Aunt Alfresca the few times she’s ever felt warmly toward me. “Meet me in my room at the hotel next door? I’m staying in 213.”  
    I’m about to say no – you know, the Aunt Alfresca thing, but then I shake that off. Hey, you always hear about guys getting lucky at weddings. Why shouldn’t it be me? It should be me. Holy crap, it is me! Plus, she called me Mr. Speechmaker. So chances are she doesn’t remember my name either, making it perfectly OK for me to bang a girl whose name I don’t know.
    “Sure thing,” I tell Three Sheets. “But let’s wait for a bit. It wouldn’t be right to duck out of the wedding before the bride and groom.”
    * * *
    Earlier, Alice said she didn’t see what Billy saw in me as a friend. Well, I think, as we all wave them off, maybe Billy will tell her now while they make the short journey from the reception to the hotel right next door. See, as part of my wedding present to the two of them, in addition to a check – people love getting money, right? – I sprang for two nights in the honeymoon suite so they wouldn’t have to get on a plane the very next day.
    “But we want to get to Bermuda as quickly as we can!” Billy objected when presented with my idea.
    “No, you do not,” I said. “Don’t you remember what happened to Drew and Stacy?”
    Drew and Stacy’s flight left first thing in the morning the day after they got married. They were both still pretty much well drunk from the day before, so Stacy barely made it on the plane because she was too busy puking in the airport bathroom, then on top of that she picked up a parasite in the Dominican Republic, which she could have avoided if she hadn’t needed to have a drink as soon as she got there for a little hair of the dog and misjudged and drank something with ice cubes in it. So then she ended up sick the whole time they were there, leaving Drew to spend much of their honeymoon playing pool volleyball with a bunch of Germans, and she wound up having to go to the hospital when they got back.
    Frankly, none of us think the marriage will ever recover. Now, if they’d only thought to let an extra day pass before getting on that plane…
     Tell a story that uses the word “puke” enough times and you can persuade almost anyone of anything, which is how I convinced Billy to accept the two nights in the hotel, thereby no doubt saving the future of his marriage.
    Me? I know everything about how to do a wedding up right.
    “Ready, Mr. Speechmaker?” Three Sheets says, sidling up to me.
    The bride and groom are gone. It’s a wedding. I could do worse.
    “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I say and put my arm around her. “Let’s hit it.”
    * * *
    Perhaps not as nice as the honeymoon suite, still, Room 213 will do.
    There’s a big bed, out the window there’s a view of the highway in the distance, in the room there’s a mini-bar – all the comforts of home.
    “So, um, what did you say you do