The Book of Bloke Read Online Free Page B

the Cubbie , or Nouveau Bougaine, is a perfect example of this hardy Bloke’s innate upward mobility. A Bogan who has parlayed his natural ingenuity and ambition into financial success, the Cubbie in many ways grants us the greatest insight into the Bogan psyche, as his cashed-up status allows him to make real all his deepest desires, and thereby show the world what Bogan dreams are made of.
    It turns out that what Bogans dream of mostly is massive houses and four-wheel drives. The houses, known as ‘McMansions’ due to their size and strong smell of processed cheese, are generally designed in what architects call the ‘Neo-Ikea’ style and furnished with various modern appliances and Bogan artefacts, such as Xboxes, Ab-Masters, and paintings of racing cars that light up. They will also be adorned with bright and cheerful Christmas decorations, including electric reindeer and inflatable Santas, for up to eight months of the year.
    The style of McMansion will of course vary depending on the origins of the Cubbie in question. A Cubbie who used to be a Mussel, for example, is likely to include Mediterranean touches and unlikely to have any lawns, while a former Guzzler will have a bar in the garage and several points of damaged brickwork where the car’s been driven into the house.
    The four-wheel drives are selected especially for their grunt and horsepower, travelling up to four-and-a-half kilometres on a single tank of petrol, and providing the sort of rugged off-road capabilities that make all the difference when dropping kids off at school or heading down the pokies.
    Where Cubbies get their money is a fertile area of study for Bogan experts. Although nothing can be conclusively proven, it is believed most Cubbies are entrepreneurs, building up business empires in traditional Bogan industries such as Avon, Tupperware, and, at the high end, Jim’s Dog Wash. However, many Cubbies also gain riches via the modern Bogan economy, which mainly revolves around amphetamines and home-brew.
    No matter how a Cubbie earns his dough, though, most of them will be generous with their fortune, giving back to the Bogan community through the provision of vital infrastructure – for example, flagpoles and swimming pools that you can come over and use any time you like.
    Although a Cubbie who lets his wealth go to his head and gets ideas above his station runs the risk of becoming a wanker – or even worse, a Leftite – the Bogan mind-set tends towards an earthy, grounded attitude to life, and most Cubbies retain their simple, homespun Bogan ways. Because of this, many McMansions, despite their impressively garish façades, will still feature typically Bogan flourishes such as the tarpaulin stretched over the paved area, the homemade backyard chicken coop, and the demented three-legged pit bull who barks for six hours non-stop every night.
    A Bogan’s a Bogan, wherever his luck may take him, and that’s the spirit that has made Bogans the true backbone of Australia.
BLOKEFACTS !
    Did you know
… that the first formally recorded use of the word ‘Bloke’ occurs in the colonial play,
Say Hooroo to Yackandandah
[1801], in which the character of Towser is heard to say, ‘So this Bloke come up to Rowdy and wallops him square in the how’s-yer-mullock-heap, right there in the Tallangatta humpty-fridge!’ To which the character of Rozzer replies, ‘What a Bloke he musta been!’ (
Exeunt through outhouse
).

The Geek
    More than any other kind of Bloke, the Geek is a Bloke who doesn’t want you to call him a Bloke. That sort of labelling is likely to enrage the Geek, though it is unlikely that you will notice it, because the Geek is a master at concealing his true feelings, repressing strong emotions which are later vented through role-playing games and message board postings about how everyone should get a Mac.
    The Geek is the most elusive Bloke variety, shunning human contact as a rule and spending months at a time hiding in