The Best of Archy and Mehitabel Read Online Free Page A

some people i told him inhabit
    a vacuum all their lives and
    never know it then he said it don t
    hurt them any no i said it don t but it
    hurts people who have to associate
    with them and with these words
    we parted each feeling
    superior to the other and is not that
    feeling after all one of the great
    desiderata of social intercourse
    archy

    especially planned for his personal shelter

warty bliggens, the toad
    i met a toad
    the other day by the name
    of warty bliggens
    he was sitting under
    a toadstool
    feeling contented
    he explained that when the cosmos
    was created
    that toadstool was especially
    planned for his personal
    shelter from sun and rain
    thought out and prepared
    for him
    do not tell me
    said warty bliggens
    that there is not a purpose
    in the universe
    the thought is blasphemy
    a little more
    conversation revealed
    that warty bliggens
    considers himself to be
    the center of the said
    universe
    the earth exists
    to grow toadstools for him
    to sit under
    the sun to give him light
    by day and the moon
    and wheeling constellations
    to make beautiful
    the night for the sake of
    warty bliggens
    to what act of yours
    do you impute
    this interest on the part
    of the creator
    of the universe
    i asked him
    why is it that you
    are so greatly favored
    ask rather
    said warty bliggens
    what the universe
    has done to deserve me
    if i were a
    human being i would
    not laugh
    too complacently
    at poor warty bliggens
    for similar
    absurdities
    have only too often
    lodged in the crinkles
    of the human cerebrum
    archy

mehitabel has an adventure
    back to the city archy
    and dam glad of it
    there s something about the suburbs
    that gets on a town lady s nerves
    fat slick tabbies
    sitting around those country clubs
    and lapping up the cream
    of existence
    none of that for me
    give me the alley archy
    me for the mews and the roofs
    of the city
    an occasional fish head
    and liberty is all i ask
    freedom and the garbage can
    romance archy romance is the word
    maybe i do starve sometimes
    but wotthehell archy wotthehell
    i live my own life
    i met a slick looking torn
    out at one of these long island
    spotless towns
    he fell for me hard
    he slipped me into the
    pantry and just as we had got
    the icebox door open and were
    about to sample the cream
    in comes his mistress
    why fluffy she says to this slicker
    the idea of you making
    friends with a horrid creature like that
    and what did fluffy do
    stand up for me like a gentleman
    make good on all the promises

    freedom and –
    with which he had lured me
    into his house
    not he the dirty slob
    he pretended he did not know me
    he turned upon me and attacked me
    to make good with his boss
    you mush faced bum i said
    and clawed a piece out of his ear
    i am a lady archy
    always a lady
    but an aristocrat will always
    resent an insult
    the woman picked up a mop and made
    for me well well madam i said
    it is unfortunate for you that
    you have on sheer silk stockings
    and i wrote my protest
    on her shin it took reinforcements
    in the shape of the cook
    to rauss me archy and as i went
    out the window i said to the fluffy person
    you will hear from me later
    he had promised me everything archy
    that cat had
    he had practically abducted me
    and then the cheap crook threw me down
    before his swell friends
    no lady loves a scene archy
    and i am always the lady no matter
    what temporary disadvantages
    i may struggle under
    to hell with anything unrefined
    has always been my motto
    violence archy always does something
    to my nerves
    but an aristocrat must revenge
    an insult i owe it to my family
    to protect my good name
    so i laid for that slob
    for two days and nights and finally
    i caught the boob in the shrubbery
    pretty thing i said
    it hurts me worse than it does you
    to remove that left eye of yours
    but i did it with one sweep of my claws
    you call yourself a gentleman do you
    i said as i took a strip out of his nose
    you will think twice after this before
    you offer an insult
    to an