The Best Australian Humorous Writing Read Online Free Page A

These days you look at cartoons like that, you can wind up doing 14 years in a Cambodian prison with Gary Glitter.
    Anyway, because it’s Valentine’s Day today, I thought it’d be a great opportunity to revive the “Love is …” cartoon series, but update it for the modern couple of 2008. So here are a few of my ideas for romantic captions—I haven’t got round to drawing the pictures yet, but just imagine a naked boy and a naked girl, loosely based on my beloved and me, so she’s looking svelte and leggy andcute, and he’s looking a bit lank and furry, like something a plumber yanked out of a shower drain at a caravan park in Lorne.
    â€œLove is … avoiding breaking wind in each other’s face.” I know it’s not always easy, but the message here is, make an effort to leave the room, or at least aim out a doorway. I’m so considerate, I actually go into the backyard, down the side of the house, and stand up against the fence so nobody will be offended or bothered— although Toshio, the Japanese lady next door, does keep calling AGL to report a leak.
    â€œLove is … tolerating each other’s idiotic idiosyncrasies.” Sometimes your partner can do things that are a bit grating—and in my beloved’s case, it’s her grating. She will cook a zucchini dish, and grate nine-tenths of the zucchini into the dish, then put the remaining tenth of the zucchini back in the fridge. WHY COULDN’T SHE JUST USE THAT LAST TENTH? WOULD THE DISH HAVE TASTED SO DIFFERENT WITH A TENTH MORE ZUCCHINI-FLAVOUR? AND NOW WHAT’S ANYONE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A ZUCCHINI IN THE FRIDGE THAT IS MISSING NINE-TENTHS?
    â€œLove is … occasionally making like instead of making love.” Every couple knows those evenings when you’re both feeling schleppy and brain-vegetative and you flomp into bed, then the man makes a half-arsed arse-grab, and the woman gives an enticing flirty “must we?” look, then you both proceed to do something that looks like a couple of 150-year-old giant land tortoises mating in a Galapagos Island documentary.
    â€œLove is … feigning interest in your partner’s stories.” Time and time again my beloved will sit and listen to my bi-weekly eight-minute discourse on Kantong’s hokkein noodles and how it says “serves four” on the packet but it really only serves three—she’ll nod and sigh sympathetically all the way through, even though she’s really thinking about Cherry Ripes and the buff black crumper on
So You Think You Can Dance Australia
, and how they could maybe be combined.
    â€œLove is … having conversations that could be a Pinter play.” Here’s ours from the other day: “Did you say something?/ When I was what?/ When you were talking to her/ What did I say?/ Something you said/ I thought I told you/ Haloumi cheese?” It made total sense when we were saying it.
    â€œLove is … having a laugh at the expense of others.” You can’t be stuffed any more with Oscar-Wildean-quippery or topical political-humour. Now, when we need a laugh, we just do cruel impressions of our children after they’ve gone to bed, or sing Vanessa Amorosi’s “Absolutely Everybody” with a white South African accent.
    And finally, love is … always having to say you’re sorry.

CATHERINE DEVENY
Listen up, you selfish and ignorant people. Stop driving 4WDs
    I would like to sincerely apologise for the comments I made about 4WDs in last week’s column.
    Due to a limitation on the number of words, I was unable to say everything I wanted about these dangerous and obnoxious monster trucks being driven by people selfish at best and ignorant at worst.
    And not just shame on you for driving these anti-social, arrogant four-wheeled bullies. Shame on the car companies for appealing to your insecurity by sucking you in with slogans like “Give