Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing Read Online Free Page A

nibbling on a bone, to see what was going to happen.
    My father stood Fudge in the tub and dumped the whole bowl of cereal right over his head. Fudge screamed. He sure can scream loud.
    My father motioned for me to go back to the kitchen. He joined us in a minute. We sat down and finished our dinner. Fudge kept on screaming. My mother wanted to go to him but my father told her to stay where she was. He’d had enough of Fudge’s monkey business at meal times.
    I think my mother really was relieved that my father had taken over. For once my brother got what he deserved. And I was glad!
    The next day Fudge sat at the table again. In his little red booster chair, where he belongs. He ate everything my mother put in front of him. “No more doggie,” he told us.
    And for a long time after that his favorite expression was “eat it or wear it!”

4
    My Brother the Bird
    We live near Central Park. On nice days I like to play there after school. I’m allowed to walk over by myself as long as I’m going to be with friends. My mother doesn’t want me hanging around the park alone.
    For one thing, Jimmy Fargo has been mugged three times—twice for his bicycle and once for his money. Only he didn’t have any to give the muggers.
    I’ve never been mugged. But sooner or later I probably will be. My father’s told me what to do. Give the muggers whatever they want and try not to get hit on the head.
    Sometimes, after you’re mugged, you get to go to police headquarters. You look at a bunch of pictures of crooks to see if you can recognize the guys that mugged you.
    I think it would be neat to look at all those pictures. It’s not that I want to get mugged, because that could be really scary. It’s just that Jimmy Fargo’s always talking about his visit to police headquarters.
    My father got mugged once in a subway by two girls and a guy. They took his wallet and his briefcase. He still travels around by subways but my mother doesn’t. She sticks to buses and taxis.
    Both my mother and my father are always warning me never to talk to strangers in the park. Because a lot of dope-pushers hang around there. But taking dope is even dumber than smoking, so nobody’s going to hook me!
    We live on the west side of the park. If I want to get to the zoo and the pony carts I have to walk all the way through to the east side. Sometimes my mother walks across the park with Fudge. He likes the animals a lot. Especially the monkeys. He also likes the helium-filled balloons. But as soon as my mother buys him one he lets it go. I think he likes to see it float up in the sky. My mother says that’s a waste of money and she’s not going to buy him any more balloons until he promises not to let go.
    On Sundays the park is closed to traffic and you can ride your bicycle all over without worrying about being run down by some crazy driver. Even Fudge can ride. He has a little blue Toddle-Bike, a present from my father’s client. And when he’s riding he makes motorcycle noises. “Vroom—vroom—vroom!” he yells.
    In the fall the leaves turn darker and drop off the trees. Sometimes there are big leaf piles on the ground. It’s fun to jump around in them. I never saw bright red, yellow, and orange leaves until the day my father took us for a drive in the country. The reason the leaves don’t turn bright colors in New York is the air pollution. And that’s too bad. Because yellow and orange and red leaves really look neat!
    One nice sunny afternoon I called for Jimmy Fargo and we went to the park. Jimmy is the only kid on my block who’s in my class at school. Unless you count Sheila. And I don’t! She lives in my building, on the tenth floor. Henry, the elevator operator, is always making jokes about me and Sheila. He thinks we like each other. The truth is, I can’t stand her. She’s a real know-it-all. But