Person twice as loudly as the Vicar. âI amâhn snuffleâChair Person. How kind of you all to come andâhn hmâmeet me. These good peopleââhe nodded and waved arms at Dad and Mumââhave been honored to put up with me, but they are only small stupid people who do not matter.â
The slightly smug smile on Dadâs face vanished at this.
âI shallâhn hmâtalk to people who matter,â said Chair Person. He lumbered across the room, bumping into everything he passed. Ladies hastily got coffee cups out of his way. He stopped in front of the Vicar and breathed heavily. âCould I trouble you to move?â he said.
âEh?â said the Vicar. âErââ
âEr, hn hm, you appear to be sitting in my seat,â said Chair Person. âI am Chair Person. I am the one who shall talk toâhn hmâthe government. I shall be running this meeting.â
The Vicar got out of the chair as if it had scalded him and backed away. Chair Person sat himself down and looked solemnly around.
âCoffee,â he said. âEr, hn hm, cakes. While the rest of the world starves.â
Everyone shifted and looked uncomfortably at their cups.
In the silence Chair Person looked at Mum. âHn hm,â he said. âMaybe you have not noticed that youâve not given meâhn hmâcoffee or cakes.â
âIs that what you meant?â said Mum. âI thought after all the breakfast you ateââ
âI meantâhn hmâthat we are here to feast and prove that we at least have enough to eat,â said Chair Person. While Mum was angrily pouring coffee into the cracked cup that was the last one in the cupboard, he turned to the nearest lady. âI decided to grow a beard,â he said, âto show I amâhn hmâimportant to the ecology. It makes my face look snuffle grand.â
The lady stared at him. Auntie Christa said loudly, âWe are here to talk about Africa, Mr. Chair Person.â
âEr, hn hm,â said Chair Person. âI happen to know a lot about Africa. The government should act to make sure that the Africanâhn hmâelephant does not die out.â
âWe were not going to talk about elephants,â the Vicar said faintly.
âThe snuffle gorilla is an endangered animal, too,â said Chair Person. âAnd the herds ofâhn hmâwildebeest are not what they were in the days of Dr. Livingstone, I presume. Drought afflicts many animalsâI appear to have drunk all my coffeeâand famine is poised to strike.â And he went on talking, mixing up about six different television programs as he talked. The Vicar soon gave up trying to interrupt, but Auntie Christa kept trying to talk, too. Every time she began, Chair Person went âER, HN HM!â so loudly that he drowned her out, and took no notice of anything she said. Marcia could not help thinking that Chair Person must have stood in the living room picking up hints from Auntie Christa for years. Now he was better at not letting other people talk than Auntie Christa was.
In the meantime Chair Person kept eating cakes and asking for more coffee. The respectable people, in a dazed sort of way, tried to keep up with Chair Person, which meant that Simon and Marcia were kept very busy carrying cups and plates. In the kitchen Mum was baking and boiling the kettle nonstop, while Dad grimly undid packets and mixed cake mix after cake mix.
By this time Simon was finding it hard to be sorry for Chair Person at all. âI didnât know you thought you were so important,â he said as he brought Chair Person another plate of steaming buns.
âThis must beâhn hmâreported to Downing Street,â Chair Person told the meeting, and he interrupted himself to say to Simon, âThat is because Iâer, hn hmâalways take care to be polite to people like you who donât snuffle count⦠I