all I saw were raindrops sizzling on the hot block. Soon the raindrops no longer sizzled and I became aware of the passing traffic. Big expensive all-weather tyres were filling my shoes with dirty water. I got back into the car and stared at an old packet of cigarettes, but Iâd given them up for six weeks and this time I was determined to make it stick. I buttoned up and walked down the street as far as the phone box. Someone had cut the hand-piece off and taken it home. Not one empty cab had passed in half an hour. I tried to decide between walking the rest of the way home and lying down in the middle of the road. It was then that I remembered that I still had the door-key of the old flat.
The Studies Centre was turning my lease over the following month. Possibly the phone was still connected. It was two minutesâ walk.
I rang the doorbell. There was no answer. I gave it an extra couple of minutes, remembering how often Iâd failed to hear it from the kitchen at the back. Then I used the old key and let myself in. The lights still worked. Iâd always liked number eighteen. In some ways itâs more to my taste than the oil-fired slab of speculatorâs bad taste that Iâd exchanged it for, but Iâm not the sort of fellow who gives aesthetics precedence over wall-to-wall synthetic wool and Georgian-style double-glazing.
The flat wasnât the way Iâd left it. I mean, the floor wasnât covered with
Private Eye
and
Rolling Stone,
with strategically placed carrier bags brimming with garbage. It was exactly the way it was when the lady next door came in to clean it three times a week. The furniture wasnât bad, not bad for a furnished place, I mean. I sat down in the best armchair and used the phone. It worked. I dialled the number of the local mini-cab company and was put up for auction. âAnyone do a Gloucester Road to Fulham?â Then, âWill anyone do a Gloucester Road to Fulham with twenty-five pence on the clock?â Finally some knight of the road deigned to do a Gloucester Road to Fulham with seventy-five pence on the clock if Iâd wait half an hour. I knew that meant forty-five minutes. I said yes and wondered if Iâd still be a non-smoker had I slipped that pack into my overcoat.
If I hadnât been so tired I would have noticed what was funny about the place the moment I walked in. But I was tired. I could hardly keep my eyes open. Iâd been sitting in the armchair for five minutes or more when I noticed the photo. At first there was nothing strange about it, except how I came to leave it behind. It was only when I got my mind functioning that I realized that it wasnât my photo. The frame was the same as the one Iâd bought in Selfridges Christmas Sale in 1967. Inside was almost the same photo: me in tweed jacket, machine washable at number five trousers, cor-blimey hat and two-tone shoes, one of them resting on the chromium of an Alfa Spider convertible. But it wasnât me. Everything else was the same â right down to the number plates â but the man was older than me and heavier. Mind you, I had to peer closely. We both had no moustache, no beard, no sideboards and an out-of-focus face, but it wasnât me, I swear it.
I didnât get alarmed about it. You know how crazy things can sound, and then along comes a logical, rational explanation â usually supplied by a woman very close to you. So I didnât suddenly panic, I just started to turn the whole place over systematically. And then I could scream and panic in my own good, leisurely, non-neurotic way.
What was this bastard doing with all the same clothes that I had? Different sizes and some slight changes, but Iâm telling you my entire wardrobe. And a photo of Mr Nothing and Mason: that creepy kid who does the weather print-outs for the war-games. Now I was alarmed. It was the same with everything in the flat. My neck-ties. My chinaware. My bottled