Secrets of a D-List Supervillain Read Online Free Page B

up.
    He yawned loudly and said, “Melinda is going to be ticked.”
    The Bugler’s wife was his biggest supporter and critic. Given my track record with women, I couldn’t comment on the matter with any authority.
    Instead, I made my own assessment. “Maybe it’s time to ride off into the sunset with her? If not, I can start building your mechanized assault wheelchair.”
    Exactly when did I start getting soft on the old coot?
    “Nah, Calvin,” he slurred. “Not my speed.”
    “Fair enough. It’s going to take me time to get a new set of armor together.”
    “If you’re so keen on putting me out to pasture, you could always become the next Biloxi Bugler.”
    What the...?
    “That must be some serious happy juice you’re on Bo. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m too much of an armor guy.”
    He could have told me that he was an alien or my real father at that moment and it would have been less shocking.
    “You’d make a good Bugler,” he proclaimed.
    “I think you meant to say burglar.”
    Mr. Carr gave me a look of sincerity, the kind only the drunk or stoned are capable of, and said, “Nah, you’re smart and think on your feet. There’s more to you than just the tech. Maybe it’s time you start realizing that.”
    When I didn’t, or perhaps couldn’t, reply. His head lolled to the other side and he muttered, “For all its power, your armor can be a crutch. Gotta learn to stand tall on your own. Say, did I ever tell you how I knew you’d be at that bank all those years ago?”
    “No,” I said, suddenly curious.
    “I got a postcard a week before. One of those, ‘Wish you were here’ ones with a picture of the Grand Canyon on the front and a California postmark. On the back was the name of the bank, a date, and a time. I’ve heard other supers talk about getting messages like that from Prophiseer.”
    “It couldn’t be,” I protested. “The Overlord killed him years before that happened. And I’ve heard several occasions where villains have used that as a ruse to lure a hero into a trap.”
    “So, were you trying to lure me in to a trap?”
    “Uh...”
    “Yeah, didn’t think so,” Bo seems more than half asleep now. “Anyway, those cards supposedly show up when it’s something important.”
    “I hardly think I rate that.”
    “Way I see it; you beat the bugs, and who knows how out of control things would have gotten tonight. Chew on that and get back to me.”
    Mercifully, he passed out shortly after that. I was left stunned, and wondering if I should inject some of the drugs he was on.
    • • •
    Stacy looks up from where she’s using a cloth to wipe the applesauce dribbling from my daughter’s mouth. “We’ve gotten those postcards before. Always the same thing, a date, time, and location. They’re always important, too.”
    “Yeah, yeah, I know. I looked up all the instances in the Guardian’s database after that. Still, it got me thinking about the mess that was HORDES. I heard the Overlord brag that before he killed Prophiseer, the fortuneteller said that Ultraweapon would die at the hands of another man in armor.”
    Frowning, Stacy wrestles with her feelings for me and the things that I’m capable of. Internally, I scold myself. I shouldn’t bring things like that up if I want to avoid an argument.
    Stacy finishes whatever internal debate she was having and says, “You know, I’m picturing you in a Bugler costume right now.”
    “Please, don’t,” I plead.
    “I have to,” she replies. “I’m so going to get you one.”
    “You’re going to make me say a bunch of bad words in front of my daughter.”
    “Oh, come on, you dress up as the Bugler and I’ll be, let’s see, how about... Blazing She-Clops and you can capture me.”
    “...and try to bring you over to the side of righteousness? You’d totally rock the eye patch, but I don’t think so.”
    The Love Goddess smiles and I wonder how she’s going to talk me into playing dress up. As long as the costumes