I finally find a place among my own species. No offense, boy.â
He stuck his arm through a mesh-guarded port in the side of the tank, and left it there for thirty seconds. When he removed it, the smile on his face dropped away; his arm was covered in tiny red welts. âOn second thought, maybe I should just go back to that dark, sinister tower idea.â
FP made a whining sound, bumping Fisherâs leg with his snout. Fisher sat down and set FP on his lap. âWhat do you think, little guy? Would I make a good villain?â A quick series of snuffles sounded like laughter. âWhat, not intimidating enough?â FP looked up at Fisher and dragged one hoof across Fisherâs stomach, as if petting him. âOh, Iâm too nice, is that it?â FP made a satisfied sounding snort and nuzzled back into Fisherâs lap. âWell, you just wait. Middle school is bound to turn me into an angry force of destruction. Iâll be an evil mastermind by the time I get to eighth grade. Youâll see.â
The soft sound of FPâs chuckling soothed him as he got back to work, determined to find a solution to the disaster his life had become.
CHAPTER 3
It is surely a sin for one man to covet another manâs wife. But it is a sin of far greater proportions (and fatal possibilities) to covet another manâs wifeâs untested, artificial human growth hormone. Especially if weâre talking about my mom.
âFisher Bas, Sientific Principles and Observations of the Natural World (unpublished)
âDown, boy,â Fisher said as he walked into the kitchen a few hours later. FP was doing his best to leap onto the counter, but kept landing with a thump back on the tiled floor.
The three freckles on Fisherâs nose scrunched closer together as he tensed his face in pain, and scratched his new insect bites. It felt like heâd dipped his arm in a tankful of needles and salt water.
His father didnât even notice the boyâor the leaping pigâas he stood beside the oven and adjusted the controls on a screen with a full thermal map of the chicken roasting inside. His mother, meanwhile, was involved in an argument with the refrigerator over whether the white wine was chilled enough.
âMadam Bas,â said the refrigerator in a high, droning voice, âneed I remind you that I can detect temperature variation to a precision of one two-hundredth of a degree kelvin?â If the refrigerator had had arms, it would have been crossing them in front of its chest. Or, rather, its ice drawer.
âIâm well aware of your thermometric abilities,â Fisherâs mom said to the fridge, beginning to get annoyed, âsince I invented them. Now, can you tell me how the wine tastes ? Or would you prefer to leave that to someone who has taste buds ?â
The refrigerator stuttered slightly, relented, and opened its door with a puff of air that sounded a bit like a reluctant sigh.
âDinnerâs almost ready, Fisher,â said his dad, turning off the oven. âCould you set the table, please?â
âSure thing,â said Fisher. He went to the touch screen on the tableâs side and slid the plates to their proper spots, following up with forks, knives, napkins, and glasses. When he had finished configuring the layout on the screen, he pressed a button and a little hatch popped open on the kitchen countertop. The requested items began surfacing, one by one.
What appeared to be extra legs on the dining room table were, in fact, arms. So with multiple joints bending and sliding smoothly, it reached toward the counter, took hold of each plate, glass, and piece of silverware and placed it softly on its appointed spot as everyone sat down to eat.
Except that without anyone noticing, FP had finally made it onto the counter. So when the tableâs arm stretched out to grab the third plate, it grabbed the flustered pig instead and placed him down in front of