when I took the PD job.
âI have commitments. I canât just throw them off.â
âCommitments to whom? The partners at Baker?â
âI
really
donât want to talk about it. Letâs just enjoy this moment. Right here. Right now. Thatâs a pretty good mantra. Donât you think?â
âOkay,â I said, feeling self-conscious for having pried, and slightly angry at her for letting me feel that way. I figured sheâd walk away and find Rebecca now, but she didnât.
âI came over here to ask you if you wanted to get out of here.â
I looked up. âAre you serious?â
She nodded, draining her beer.
That was good enough for me.
We slept together that night, and twice more that week, all at my place.
Sheâd wanted to know what I was doing living in such a dump, and Iâd told her about being shot a year and a half ago, having my law office burned, being forced to sell my condo and losing all the equity.
âMy brother once represented the manager here,â I said, explaining how Iâd ended up at the Seward.
I suppose it was possible trysting in the Tenderloin turned her on. But more likely she was merely safeguarding her freedom, intending to be the one who walked out, who decided when that would be. I couldnât blame her for wanting control, but at the same time I tried not to recognize these precautions for what they were.
Right here, right now,
sheâd said. Perhaps she could feel my own hope like an electric charge, a burnt smell in the air.
Weâd just made love, and she was studying the scars on my chest and stomach with minute attention. âHave you ever thought about carrying a gun?â
âI have one.â I hesitated. âBut itâs unregistered.â
She was both amused and disturbed. âWhy?â
âA former client gave it to me. I made the decision a long time ago that if I ever had to shoot to kill in self-defense, I wasnât going to wait around for the cops to show up.â
She laughed, then seemed to realize I was serious. âBecause of your family?â
âSomething like that. If anyone ever wants to kill me, itâll be because of some issues between my father and a man named Bo Wilder. Unfortunately, the backstory would be viewed by the police as incriminating. Bo thinks my family owes him because of a favor he thinks he did for us. We disagree and donât feel it was much of a favor. But if I have to explain any of this to the police, Iâd be talking us into prison.â
âSo your plan is?â
âIf it ever comes to thatâand I donât think it willâmy plan is to shoot the people who are trying to shoot me, run, and ditch the gun.â
I hadnât intended to get into these complicated explanations, and I could see my answers disturbed her. âYou have it here?â
I took the gun, a Bersa 9mm, from the drawer where I stored it wrapped in an old shirt.
âJust carrying this youâre committing a felony,â she said. âIf youâre going to own a pistol, you need a permit.â
âIâve actually been meaning to get rid of it. Youâre right. Itâs a stupid liability.â I wrapped the gun back up. I didnât want to look at it, didnât want to deal with it, which was exactly why it was still in my drawer months after Iâd resolved to throw it away.
âWe could get rid of it together,â she said. Then gathering her legs underneath her and kneeling in bed, she said: âIt could be a turn-on. We can pretend you just shot somebody, and you came to me for help.â
Her eyes were glinting. It was a side of her I hadnât seen before. I couldnât tell whether she was serious or not, and wasnât sure I wanted to know. I assumed that Jordan had lived the sort of sheltered life that meant she couldnât possibly know anything about fear.
I was hoping to let it go. But that