Monkeys Wearing Pants Read Online Free Page B

driving a rental.
    Ok, in hindsight, it’s not a good idea to
start a two-hour drive with a couple of bran muffins and a huge
energy drink...
    I dutifully passed through the TSA scanner,
assuming the awkward, frozen-in-time, jumping jack position with my
feet in the yellow footprints on the mat. Then, I walked out and
put my feet, once again, on the yellow footprints, waiting for the
crossing guard (I mean super-motivated TSA agent) to give me the
thumbs up and let me retrieve my belt, shoes and 11 pounds of loose
change from the plastic bin at the end of the conveyor belt. That’s
when I got the bad news. “Sir,” the TSA agent told me, “I’m afraid
we’ve detected a groin abnormality in your scan.” I looked back at
the scanner, and, sure enough, my Lego-man, yellow outline of a
body had a small, red square smack dab in the general vicinity of
tighty-whiteyville.
    “Do you think it’s the steel plate in my
right testicle?” I asked. “Not everyone who served in Occupy Wall
Street came back in one piece, buddy.”
    The TSA agent was not amused. “I’m going to
need you to go with these two agents, please,” he said, indicating
the Of Mice and Men pair who had joined the party. I was led into a
small room and given a brief explanation of how this was going to
go down. I noted immediately the complete and utter lack of
enthusiasm the pair seemed to have for the job at hand. The one who
seemed to be in charge explained the hilarity that was about to
ensue. “Sir,” he said in a flat voice, “because of the result of
your scan and the area in question, we are required by law to
conduct a search of your, um, well, that area. You will be able to
leave your pants on.” He clearly was not looking forward to this.
“Do you have any questions?”
    “No. I get it. You’re going to feel me up. Go
trout fishing in America. Put your thumb on the scale. Say hello to
my little friends. Cast a wide net and haul in your limit of
genitailia. Yeah, I get it.” He had no response to this, but just
began his (surprisingly gentle) cupping. At this point, my goal was
to make him as uncomfortable as possible. So, while he cupped and
poked, as if he were trying to determine if a fresh loaf of bread
was done, I keep up a steady patter. “It’s funny, but my wife and I
met this way. You know, we would be legally married in 11 states by
now. Am I supposed to be feeling tingly all over? If you want me to
cough at any time, just let me know. Do I feel a little uneven to
you? I have been told I have a bit of a dangling participial on the
right. I don’t know if this is a full service pat down, but my
inner thigh is a little tight. This is weird, but I’m having a
senior prom flashback.” And then, thankfully, it was over, and I
was on my way. But not without two new, special friends and a pair
of underwear sure to evoke memories from that point forward.
    The worst thing about early morning flights:
"Hey, isn't this the same (slightly damp) towel I used to dry off
four hours ago?”
    I’m in the airport in Seattle waiting for my
flight to Anchorage. A few seconds ago a young couple sprinted by
at almost a full on run, awkwardly lugging their bags, pushing a
stroller and clutching their boarding passes like winning lottery
tickets. They were both sucking in air like the fat kid in P.E. and
the panicked look on their faces said it all, ‘We are about to miss
our flight.” In contrast, the little three-year -old in the
stroller was so happy, grinning ear-to-ear, waving her arms in the
air and practically screaming, “Go faster Mommy! Go faster!”
Sometimes life offers you a glimpse of beautiful contrast.
     
    Apparently, the A/C in my hotel room only has
two settings: off and full-throttle, freezing, Arctic air, gale
force wind storm cold enough to freeze your snot and totally invert
your testicles. I'm having a hard time deciding which one to go
with.
    Judging from the noise coming from the hotel
room above me, it seems to be