Millom in the Dock Read Online Free Page B

see
him in your mind, sat on a furious sheep’s
back doing the Woolly Rodeo ... sometimes it’s useful being five
foot seven. Just think if he had been banished earlier:
    God: “I enjoy
these woolly rodeos, fills in Saturday afternoons.”
    Peter: “Agreed.
We should start hotdogs, Butterkist and fizzy drinks.”
    The fangs and
beaks he evolved by making the animals chew pork scratchings on a
24/7 rota. The pigs were similar to sheep in their habits, yet
weren’t I don’t suppose, all too pleased at being the abrasive for
fangs? The claws on the sheep and the pigs were dealt with by
giving the breeding animals sandpaper boots over the years. Flight
in the chicken populace was abolished by …
    Feeding them
really well and limiting exercise
    Clipping their
flight feathers and
    Hypnosis
    All this
history and evolution from M … boring eh!? (Mind you, we are in
another dimension).
    The chickens by
the way were sold as boilers or roasters (I don’t know the
difference) ‘with’ giblets! Because they were good big fit birds,
he had a sign on the counter next to them … GM chicken here. It
stood for ‘Get More’ chicken for your money here. It was in
preparation for the competition. It may have meant something else
if he had owned a chemistry set and a devious, sinister mind and,
been in another dimension. He also ventured to Haverigg, a small
seaside village one mile from M, built a boat and thus created the
local whaling ‘fleetlet’. He would sit quietly on his boat and ride
the swell and, when he spotted a sperm whale pod (named because of
the spermaceti oil which is derived from the beast); he would
attract the mammals by throwing bits of bread into the water and
waving his arms. He also had one of the first washing-up liquid
bottles in the town which, he used to shoot a jet of water into the
air just like a spouting whale, in order to attract the pod over
for a bit of social spouting.
    The bread was
made in a clay oven in a baker’s shop on Holborn Hill, by another
early settler (and earlier riser), Ken Thompson, a local master
baker (great bloke Ken!).
    The whale meat
was sold on the quayside. Local fishwives would cry at his prices,
he would say “Oh stop blubbering will you!” another M first (boring
eh!?). He would then, because of the recently settled Harveriggite
fishwives incessant wailing, drop his prices on some of the less
popular cuts such as fins. He would then proceed to lay them out on
the boats sail, after first removing it from the boat of course.
This clever action stopped the fishwives wailing and, caused a
buying frenzy. These frenzies happened in January hence ‘January
Sails’. Yet another M first! Zzzzzzzz!
    Arthur had been
sustained all this time with good cooking by his lovely wife Cissy.
I don’t know too much about Cissy’s origins except to say that I
once heard a story that she was the runaway daughter of a trader
from the American Deep South … The Mississippi Delta to be exact.
She became known as … Missy Cissy from the Mississippi Delta. If
customers to the shop managed to say it perfectly 6 times, quickly,
they received the whopping discount. Arthur would try his utmost to
distract by waving his arms and dancing a jig hoping the bemused
customer would become confused and lose the discount. Cissy, a
generous soul who loved giving THE discount, would just batter him
one and, send him sulking into his office at the rear of the shop
where, he could spy on people and shop assistants through his
mirror strips. They built a big detached house on top of a hill by
a track, what is now called Fairfield Road, it has a turret so that
Arthur can regularly survey his kingdom (customer base). Cissy and
Arthur have two children Mark and David (Dave is one of my biggest
fans). Mark’s was a normal uncomplicated birth, except for the fact
that his moustache tickled a little … according to Cissy, whom I
interviewed under deep hypnosis. Dave’s birth though, during a
violent electrical