Love Is a Four Letter Word Read Online Free Page B

the job for a fortnight and already she was finding it hard to keep a straight face; it was as bad as when she’d been in advertising or women’s magazines. How was she supposed to maintain a sensible, grown-up expression when people started talking about yoghurt or detergent or a new paint range as if it were a cure for cancer or a way to bring about world peace?
    Seline, who ran Scotton Design (or Scrotum Design as Anthony liked to call it), was in many respects a perfectly sane human being and, as she frequently claimed, ‘as fond of a joke as the next person’ – which would be true if the next person were also a stranger to the concept of irony. But she often acted as if the sky would fall in if the lettering on a packet of panty-liners didn’t convey dryness, freshness, a carefree attitude, a healthy sex life, and a busy, affluent lifestyle. And that was just the lettering. Who needed panty-liners anyway? That’s what knickers were for. Soon they’d be marketing liners to keep your panty-liners fresh and dry.
    Bella told herself she shouldn’t knock it. On a good day, she prided herself on her ability to know exactly which typeface looked more carefree than any other. Besides, it kept her off the streets, and someone had topay for all that damp treatment – and the extractor fan, and replacing those two sash-cords, and the buggery doorbell, and she could do with a freezer, too … On cue, The List of Things to be Done appeared in her head, winding itself around her, binding her like an Egyptian mummy. She closed her eyes at the thought and comforted herself with the knowledge that she could go and see Viv soon if she could escape without Seline heading her off at the pass.
    â€˜Bella! What a surprise.’ Nick came into the kitchen and started filling the kettle. ‘It seems like only yesterday that we saw you. Ah. It was yesterday. So, how’ve you been in the last twenty-four hours?’
    â€˜I’m going, I’m going. It’s her fault. She made me come.’ Bella pointed at Viv.
    â€˜I did. It was me.’ Viv held Nick around his waist. ‘But she’s doing it for you. She’s showing me how to make her posh fish pie so I can do it for your parents at the weekend.’
    â€˜Correction. I am in fact making the fish pie for the freezer while Viv stands there and nods and says “Oh, I think I see. Show me how to peel just one more potato and then I’ll have a go”.’
    â€˜Cup of tea, anyone? No? You found the wine then?’ Nick topped up their glasses.
    â€˜Then you take the olives …’
    Nick’s hand shot out and grabbed one.
    â€˜And you give them to Nick because Dad doesn’t like them.’
    â€˜â€¦ And lay them on one side to pass to Nick.’
    Nick went and stretched out on the sofa.
    â€˜I’m out of earshot now if you two want to talk about men and sex and girlie stuff.’
    â€˜Shoes, Nick!’ called Viv from the kitchen.
    There was a discreet rustling, as of the sound of a newspaper being tucked under feet.
    â€˜Nick, imagine you’re a proper man for a minute.’
    â€˜Cheers, Bella.’
    â€˜Oh, shush. You know what I mean. Viv says I should ask you how to attract a bloke.’
    â€˜Since when did you start taking Viv’s advice? I didn’t think you wanted one.’
    â€˜That’s just what I said. Viv doesn’t believe me. I wouldn’t mind some sex though before I forget how to do it.’
    Viv joined in.
    â€˜Come on. She’s lovely. She should have queues of chaps banging on her door.’
    â€˜No. People always say they want your honest advice and then they get pissed off with you.’
    â€˜I promise not to, Nick. Scout’s honour.’ Bella held up her hand in a three-fingered salute.
    â€˜When were you ever a scout?’ hissed Viv. Bella waved her away.
    He shook his head and kept on reading a magazine while