Losing Me Finding You Read Online Free Page B

his answer. Can’t sleep. You?
    Same. I write back, knowing it’s more than that.
    I watch as Ben smiles at me before leaning down to write. Sure? He says. Maybe you’re just excited for tomorrow?
    I shake my head at him, knowing it’s actually the complete opposite. I know what tomorrow’s going to bring, and although it will be my birthday, it won’t include Ben. I don’t write anything back to him though because I don’t want to say the words. Ben watches me for a few minutes as if he’s trying to work out what I’m thinking. I want to open the window and scream it all out to him. Scream everything that’s about to happen to me into the cold night air. But I don’t.
    Ben smiles at me again and then goes back to writing something. I wait for him to finish and when he holds it up, I can’t help but smile. You want your real birthday present, don’t you?
    My eyes drift from the paper he’s holding, up to his face. He’s smiling at me and I’m pretty sure I’m smiling at him too. I remember the last real birthday present he gave me. It’s been sitting there, at the back of my mind, ever since all of my memories of him came back.
    A kiss.
    I’ve been waiting for another one ever since, daring myself to give him one. I wish I could, but a part of me has been too scared, which is stupid, because it’s Ben we’re talking about here.
    Ben tilts his head at me now, and I realise he’s still waiting for my answer. I nod at him, giving him another thumbs up just in case he can’t see me. Ben smiles again and turns away to write something. When he holds it up to me, suddenly all of the air in my lungs comes rushing out. I feel my heart stop, right inside my chest, and it’s like everything around us has stopped moving.
    It’s as though he’s somehow frozen time again.
    I look at the words, stare at them as they are pressed against the glass of his window. Big, bold, black letters that aren’t afraid, or scared, or worried. They’re asking me a question.
    Will you be my girlfriend?
    And now they’re waiting for my answer. I know what my answer is; I just have to find the perfect way to tell him, especially tonight. I want him to know that there is only one answer to this question and it will always be the same answer, even when I’m not here tomorrow, or the next day or the day after that.
    The answer will remain the same for as long as it takes me to find him again. And then some.
    I look up at Ben’s face. He’s not smiling anymore; he’s simply watching me and waiting. I need to give him my answer and just as I’m about to write the word for him, I hear it.
    Beep. Beep. Beep.
    The stupid alarm I set on my watch, warning me of what was going to happen tonight. Like I could possibly forget.
    I feel a lump in my throat and I automatically hold up my hand, my fingers pressing against the glass, wanting Ben to stop and wait, to freeze time for me again. To give me just a second or two more so I can do this. I turn towards my watch, sitting on the table beside my bed, begging it to stop, begging it to rewind. But it doesn’t and as I turn back to Ben, the beeps continue, reminding me that time isn’t stopping tonight, it’s running out.
    He’s still waiting for my answer and as I start to nod at him, as I mouth the word, I accidentally blink.
    And when my eyes open, Ben is gone.
    And I have no idea whether he knows I said yes.

29th February 1988
    Twelve years old

    The sun shines into my room and today I turn twelve years old.

    I open my eyes as the word, “Yes,” falls from my lips. Why am I saying yes ? As I stare up at the ceiling, I feel like something has changed. This place feels different, but I don’t know how or why. The remnants of a dream, a question, linger in my subconscious and I wonder if that’s why I was saying yes .
    But what was the question?
    I reach out and switch off the alarm, which is beeping beside my bed in reminder of something that feels like more than just a wake-up