Kill Two Birds & Get Stoned Read Online Free Page A

Clyde. "Anyway, it's not about you. It's about Walter."
    "Then it's about me, too," Fox persisted, raising his voice in righteous passion. "We're all part of one big soul! It's one for all! All for one!"
    "That's true," Clyde said wistfully. "But I was wishing for something that only Walter can do."
    "Write the bloody novel?" I asked.
    "You'll write the novel when you're ready to write the novel," she said. "I'm wishing for something even more important. Maybe I'll tell you someday."
    "I'll tell you one thing," said Fox. "You better blow that fucking candle out before the whole cake turns into a wax museum."
    Clyde puckered her lips very suggestively, I thought, and smoothly blew out the candle to a loud cheer from Fox and light applause from myself and the waiter, who appeared to be standing by nervously with the check. I gave him my credit card and he walked away just as Fox pulled out what appeared to be a hunting knife from the medieval-looking scabbard hooked on his braided belt. He was moving to cut the cake when Clyde leaped up to stop him.
    "Put that dirty, ugly thing away," she said. "This is a no-hands birthday cake. You can't touch it with your hands or a knife or a fork—only your mouth."
    "Can we use your grandmother's heirloom silverware?" I asked.
    "The boy's good," said Fox.
    "Only your mouth," said Clyde.
    As monstered on tequila as I was at the time, as blurry as everything else seems in retrospect, what occurred in the next few minutes remains indelibly and finely etched in my memory. Clyde was the first to take a bite out of the cake. Then Fox took a large mouthful. Then, incredibly, I began eating the large chocolate birthday cake with only my mouth, to the horror of the remaining diners at the placid, traditional old Blue Mill. Soon all three of us were devouring Fox Harris's culinaiy masterpiece like a pack of hyenas. The chocolate cake was all over our faces, the waiter was standing by stoically, and the two bartenders were conferring darkly behind the bar.
    It was at this point that Fox began putting cake in Clyde's hair. Clyde responded by putting cake in Fox's hair, though with Fox's hair it was not that noticeable. Then they both began putting cake in my hair, as well as licking some of the chocolate icing off each other's faces. Then Clyde came over closer to me and set about seductively licking my face. Then, as the waiter finally brought the credit-card receipt for me to sign, I became vaguely aware that my forward progress was being impeded by the unnatural act of Fox Harris licking my reading glasses.
    At this juncture, a no-nonsense management type dressed in a conservative suit walked briskly across the room to put an end to the insanity. That this did not occur immediately is probably a tribute to Clyde's inherent ability to charm any snake in the universe, particularly the two-legged male variety. She turned to face the manager just as he approached the table and with great dignity brushed back a bit of cake-ravaged hair, looked into his eyes, smiled shyly, and stuck out her hand as if he'd asked her to dance.
    In the twinkle of an eye, they formed a tableau of two old smoothy sweethearts on the dance floor. Fox was suddenly beside them clapping his hands in waltz time and crooning along encouragingly.
    " 'Two drifters,'" sang Fox," 'off to see the world. There's such a lot of world to see. We're after the same rainbow's end—'"
    Now Fox was whirling around with some invisible partner, twirling his robe exaggeratively, keeping the music going. And the manager was dancing with Clyde.
    " '—my huckleberry friend,'" Fox sang. " 'Moon Riv-er-and me.'"
    When Fox had run out of lyrics, he came over and stood beside me. Clyde and the manager continued to dance silently for a moment or two, the manager struggling vainly to conceal a slightly confused and bright-eyed smile. Clyde's face looked positively angelic.
    "Want to hear something really funny?" said Fox. "It's not even her