It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth Read Online Free Page B

Is it just me or do they intentionally build Trader Joes with parking lots made for demolition derbies. Huge store, teeny tiny parking lot with six-inch spaces and 70-year-old Hippies. Love the food hate the parking lot, hate the Hippies, which I call the Birkenstock and Bunion set. I love Trader Joes... I started going there for the dried papaya and soy cheese, both of which they no longer carry. My present addiction is rice crackers and dried peas. If you look in my car, in the space between the console and the seat, you'll find 1600 dollars in rice cracker and dried pea crumbs. Oh what the fuck... at least the anxiety is gone.
     
    February 21, 2006 6:59 AM - HUFF PUFF
     
    Did you notice the time? Anxiety rules. Had to call the city about the unresolved permits. You see 6 a.m. is the only time they answer the phones...little fuckers.  AND, they answer it with attitude. My inspector was upset that I called to discuss this. "So what do you want me to do?" OH, I don't know.... maybe YOUR JOB!
     
    Still have not resolved the 1:10 a.m. flight and the agent from hell. Anxiety level 8.9 on the Richter. It's just a joy to open my eyes and know I'm going to die. For breakfast oatmeal and Xanax.
     
                                 12:14 PM
     
    Here's where we stand at noon. Credit card arrived, car back in garage.... and a truck bomb did not go off on the ride home from the body shop.  No word from the agent, I still do not know if I'm doing the March 1 gig.
     
    Ok so today appears to be all about cars. Lead story on the news. 1,000,000-dollar car demolished in car crash. Who buys a one million dollar car? How small could your penis be that you need to drive a million dollar car? My friend Deedy ate cat food 3 times last week for dinner.... and this guy has a million dollar car. What are the monthly payments on a million dollar car... it's a mortgage? What's the registration fee, a Toyota corolla?  And naturally all I could think of was, "I wonder if that includes air conditioning".  How self obsessed does one person have to be to spend a million dollars on something birds shit on. Here's my advice... take the insurance money, have your member enlarged and with the rest of the cash open a home for unwed mothers in Orange County.
     
    Huff puff.
     
    So I'm on the freeway and in front of me is a huge dodge truck. HUGE. It's the one the circus uses to pull up the tent. Huge wheels, chrome rack with four lights, bed liner, four doors, landing strip and guesthouse.  And what is the license plate on this gas pig? "Nuke Opec". Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. This guy's got a car that sucks gas like Heidi Fleiss at a bachelor party and he wants to "nuke" Opec. He's angry with them? He should be angry with himself for going into a car dealership drunk.
     
    Huff puff.
     
    So I filled my car up with gas on the way home from the body shop. $42.00. And I'm thinking, "That's not so bad."  Which only goes to prove that human beings can get used to having their arms pulled out of the sockets if you do it long enough to them. I remember gas at .28 cents a gallon.  We would talk about it at chuck wagon as we made it through Donner Pass.
     
     
    2:01 PM
     
    OH HAPPY DAY!  The gig is off! The car is in the garage, credit card is in the wallet, and sanity is in my head! You have no idea how happy I am today! I'll probably have a stroke later this evening. Do you think I'm bi-polar?
     
    10:14 PM
     
    People have been coming out of the woodwork to be funny in my guest book. My favorite... the one from my mother. The one with my name spelled wrong. Yah that one, so clever. Not. First of all my mother has a wood burning computer, for her to get on line it takes an act of Congress. Secondly, she thinks a blog is something that obstructs her lower intestines.  Thirdly, she doesn't like me that much. So not for a moment did I actually think she entered a message in my guest book.  But nice try.
     
    I keep