Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Read Online Free Page A

blue contact lenses, too? Wouldn’t that be perfection?
    When the Botox generation dies, what will its ashes look like?
    BRATZ
    Look, here’s saucy leatherclad Roxxi, one of the Bratz Rock Angelz, playing a flying-V rock guitar and showing off her midriff and high heels. Kind of like when Britney dressed up as a Nazi dominatrix. “Hi! My name is Roxxi,” says Roxxi. “My twin calls me Spice because I like to spice things up!” Twins, eh? Eh? Wicked!
    Bratz are taking over. You might have thought they were just a line of dolls, purple-spangly teenage dolls in “funky” outfits slathered in makeup. But you would be wrong. The Bratz doll is not a doll. Well, it is a doll, anyone can see that. But it’s also, according to Paula Treantafelles, who initially created the toys, a “self-expression piece.”
    How this “self-expression” piece expresses itself is mainly through the prism of having the right trinkets, phones, accessories, and shoes. (Without shoes, the Bratz dolls have no feet. It’s kind of a metaphor.) They are “the only girls with a passion 4 fashion!” It’s a sort of celebutard training course for six-year-olds.
    Doll designer Lui Domingo insists: “We are not making a deliberate effort to sexualize these dolls. We are making them fashionable, and coincidentally the fashions these days are rather sexy.” Not trying to sexualize them? They look like a series of Hollywood central casting whores made out of plastic!
    Then there’s the passion 4 dating guyz: the “Secret Date” range of Bratz includes a dolled-up doll, plus a mystery date (one of the Bratz Boyz) and—oh yes—champagne glasses! Why not go the whole way and chuck them naked into a Jacuzzi? Bubblicious!
    Then there are the Bratz Babyz—sort of what babies would look like if they decided to become strippers. And there’s a Babyz Night Out fashion pack and Brattoo Parlor playset. Because if there’s one thing babies need it’s more nightz out and tattoos. They could go out and compare their new markings: “Look, I’ve got a spider, what about you?” “Mine says ‘soul’ in Chinese.”
    Bratz Big Babys (yet another range) have “Designer Diapers”—lovely frilly knickers, which they set off with highly peculiar coquettish poses. Oh yes, and earrings. And a bikini bearing the slogan I BLOW BUBBLES ! This is also a coincidence. The fashion among babies is definitely for looking like little sexpots. Oh no, hang on . . . Even the Bratz Babyz Ponyz have colored highlights and makeup. So they’re sexualizing ponies now? Come on—if you’re sexualizing ponies, you’re definitely taking the sexualizing way too far. Or is this a coincidence, too? Are there slave-to-fashion ponies out there now, right this minute, having their tits done?
    Hey, we know! How about a Babyz Self-Harm Kit? Or at least just supply the Secret Dates with Rohypnol. Or is that going too far? How does one judge? Anyway, let us be thankful that children are not generally impressionable or easily led—or we may end up with a generation of stifled, consumer-crazed fuckups. Another one.
    BRITAIN’S ROYAL FAMILY
    All shit.
    Well, except for Prince William, whom even we—heterosexual males with strong anti-monarchist beliefs—have to admit to finding so unbelievably beautiful that we almost want to cry. Lord knows, we didn’t want this to happen. But just look at him!
    Sometimes, we actually find ourselves wondering whether it’s love and start spinning involved romantic fantasies in which we both write each other poems and laugh and giggle and laugh some more.
    Then, in our darker moments, we can’t stop thinking about being taken roughly from behind by Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi.
    BROADBAND SERVICE PROVIDERS
    While broadband service providers maintain the illusion of competition by vying to have the stupidest name, they actually collude in keeping us in a state of roiling panic.
    One day, according to their fiendish plan, you might be up and me