I Conquer Britain Read Online Free Page B

have thought that they’d wound up at the airport by mistake. This wasn’t really what I was expecting. What I was expecting was a couple pretty much like Jake and Sal (only English of course and not so financially challenged). But I could tell right away that the Pitt-Turnbulls weren’t
anything
like the Salamancas. They looked so straight and totally normal that they could have stepped out of a fifties sitcom (you know, where nobody ever shouts or argues or has a really bad day). I wasn’t discouraged by this, though. First of all, I figure that everyone has hidden depths. You think you know what a person’s like by looking at them, but you don’t. You just know what they look like. A person can look like a bum but have the heart and soul of a saint. And a person can look like the most respectable person in the world and be a total, lying crook. Second of all, I decided that this normal thing was really a bonus, since I was used to abnormal.
    Caroline was smiling but it wasn’t what you’d call a happy smile. It was the kind of smile you make when you realize you’re on the wrong bus. You know, like you have no idea where you’re going but you know you’re going to be really late for something earthshakingly important and that something really cosmically awful is going to happen but you hope that if you keep smiling it won’t be as bad as you think.
    Robert’s smile was more like his pants were too tight.
    I decided that the only thing to do was convince them really fast that even though I probably wasn’t anything like their daughter they weren’t going to regret taking me into the bosom of their family. I waved. “Yo!” I shouted. “Here I am!”
    Caroline saw my hand moving back and forth. Her smile pretty much went into rigor mortis. And her elbow went into Robert’s ribs. He looked over and totally stopped smiling. Caroline’s fingers fluttered in my direction.
    You had to feel sorry for them. I mean, we were pretty much in the same boat, really. They were expecting somebody like their daughter (which meant they were doomed to incredible disappointment). And also they didn’t look really adaptable.
    “You won’t believe what happened!” I cried cheerfully as Mr Wottle and I reached the Pitt-Turnbulls. I went to hug Caroline, but she was pretty fast for someone who dressed up to go to the airport and dodged out of my way. She kissed the air on each side of my head instead. I figured this must be some English thing and kissed the air on each side of her head. It seemed to work.
    Caroline welcomed me to London. “Robert.” She touched his arm. “Robert, this is Cherry.”
    Like he couldn’t figure that out for himself.
    Robert nodded. “Well … well…”
    The way he was looking at me, you’d think he hadn’t known whether he was expecting a Masai warrior or a teenage girl.
    “We were beginning to get worried about you.” Caroline’s mouth was still smiling but her voice was wringing its hands. “Weren’t we, darling?” Darling nodded. Caroline turned to Mr Wottle. “She hasn’t been arrested, has she?”
    Mr Wottle and I both laughed, but you could tell that Caroline wasn’t trying to dazzle us with her incredible sense of humour.
    “Oh, no, no,” Mr Wottle assured her, “nothing like that. We’ve just got to be a bit thorough these days…You know, terrorists and all.”
    Robert was staring at my eye make-up so hard that I figured my mascara must’ve run or something. “Well, you certainly know how to make an entrance,” he said to me.
    “I am sorry if there’s been some bother…” Caroline managed to look at me and Mr Wottle at the same time, which made it hard to tell which of us she was apologizing to.
    “No bother.” Mr Wottle touched my shoulder. “It’s just that the young lady has an intriguing assortment of potions with her. Made the inspector a trifle nervous.”
    “It’s incredible!” I laughed again. “They thought I was smuggling drugs! Can you