Haunting Leigh: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 4) Read Online Free Page B

Ron seemed to notice that the volume of laughter was just above the sound an eraser makes when it falls on carpeting. He was about to take it up a notch.
    “I know for sure Elizabeth can take a joke. She married Harry. You know, Harry once told her that he’d die for her. I just heard her whisper, ‘Now would be a good time’.” The silence of the room spurred Ron to try harder. “You’re a tough crowd. A really tough crowd.”
    “Let’s talk about their sex life.” Ron paused. “Whoa! That was short and quick! Say, I do know Harry really does try. Why, I heard just the other night he suggested to his wife that they switch positions for a change. She said ‘Sure! I’ll lay on the couch and you stand by the sink.’ Enjoy your—” My mother chose that exact moment to elbow Ron right in the groin, thankfully shutting him up and preventing him from wrapping up his lame standup routine.
    We were just finishing the meal and it was finally time for gifts. My proud father asked that the gift from his youngest daughter be brought up to the table. I was eagerly awaiting my parents’ reaction since I had worked with Sarah to craft a complete surprise. I knew he would open my gift first, a pair of tickets to a Broadway play. Sarah and Bill were giving them airline tickets to New York. To add to the excitement of finding something unexpected, I pulled the cliché trick of placing the tickets inside a box so it would appear they should expect to find candlesticks or something else. That’s always good for a laugh.
    I took Hunter’s hand. “This is going to be such a surprise for them!” I was wiggling with anticipation as my dad lifted the box out of the bag. Then he opened the box and took out the surprise.
    “What is that? That’s not the—” I started to say. Dad had removed the vibrator that Gertie had picked out. With a soothing caress, he rubbed the buzzing little toy on the back of his neck. “Hunter! You grabbed the wrong box!”
    “A massager. It feels very nice. Thank you.”
    Mom blindly reached in and came out with a handful of the huge, lifelike rubber cock. “Fey!” She screamed and flung it away as if she had picked up a tarantula. It landed with a splash in a bowl of red borsht. Aunt Irene leaned over to get a better look at what had frightened my mom. She took a pair of tongs used for serving the chicken and carefully lifted the borsht soaked toy out of the dish. She held up what appeared to be a bloody male appendage for everyone to see. Poor old great aunt Barbara held up her plate in anticipation of being served something delicious. The slippery rubber penis fell out of the tongs and onto Barbara’s plate, resulting in a splatter of borsht on her dress. At first she just stared at the supple toy. Before long she appeared to be admiring it.
    I was petrified with horror as were all of the other guests. The anatomically correct chunk of soft rubber rolled off the plate onto the table with a sickening thud. Mom fainted. Irene screamed. Dad…well, he was yelling.
    “Mozel Tov!” Shouted my great uncle Lev.
    I crawled under the table and Gertie joined me. What else could I do?
    “Really? Again? Enough already with the runaway sex toy and severed penis shtick. That joke ran out of gas a long time ago.” Kelly barked.
    “Shh. I’m trying to make myself invisible. Hunter? What are they doing now?”
    “Sarah ran up there. She and your dad are reviving your mom. Good news. It looks like she’s coming back now. Uh oh. Your aunt threw up and it looks like she’s in the dry heaves phase. You know she kinda looks like Luna trying to yack up a hairball.” Hunter paused and I waited. “And now it looks like your dad is looking over here for you.”
    Kelly, my sweet savior Kelly decided on a bold course of action. “I’ll take care of this for you, Leigh. You’ll owe me big time.” She walked up to the vulgar scene.
    “Hunter. Hunter. What’s going on?” I whispered.
    “Kelly is talking