H. A. Carter Read Online Free Page A

My brown unlaced boots scraped
steadily across the dry sidewalk as I continued to trudge.
    Scratch. Scrape.
    Scratch. Scrape.
    I wore a long thick coat that day. It was a
cool fall day, perfect jacket weather. A breeze lifted the fallen
leaves that caked the ground. They danced in the wind like crumpled
ballerinas still unaware that the show was over. Even as cold as it
was getting, I was sweating profusely. It wasn't just the thickness
of my coat that was making me sweat. I was nervous and scared. This
kind of a decision couldn't be taken lightly, and if I was going to
do this, I had to be strong.
    I walked those few blocks from my house to
the school in a matter of moments. Every other day I walked these
blocks to school, and every day the trip was too short, the view of
the school coming too soon for comfort. It was a dreaded journey
that I was pleased would be my last.
    My feet got heavier with each step as I grew
closer. Trudging back to that lifeless, blood-
    sucking place that holds me prisoner each
day. Every step I took, I prepared myself for the hell I was going
to endure.
    One step, dirty looks
    Two steps, name-calling.
    Three steps, punching.
    I hated to even think about it when I came to
four.
    All their hate directed at me.
    Me. Why me?
    But no more.
    It ends today.

 
11
     
    I never understood what it was about me that
they all seemed to hate. At the very least I wanted to know why JJ
hated me so much. What was so wrong with me? What was wrong with
them? I liked to chalk the rest up to simply following his childish
lead and that they truly didn't dislike me. It was something I
liked to call “the bully effect”. You know, when you befriend the
bully, no matter how much of an asshole they are, simply to not be
the one he picks on. Was that really the reason or something more
primal? Was it because I didn't have a dad? Was it because I was
poor? Quiet? Shy? Weak? What??
    You know, even though he hated me so much, I
could almost forget all he had done. I could forgive his name
calling because he had such a limited vocabulary. I could forgive
his beating me because I knew his father beat him when he
disobeyed. I could have forgiven everything until senior year. He
took so much from me in such a short amount of time. It was time I
took something back.
    Vengeance.
    That's what I wanted from him. And I took
it.
     
    *

    I took a deep breath in as I grew closer and
closer to the school. Guilt, shame, happiness, fear, and every
other human emotion you can think of invaded my body in one
swirling vortex of nerves and courage. I had never felt so alive
and dead inside at the same time. I didn't know what to feel more
as the school door came nearer and nearer to me.
    I remembered back at those times they made me
out a joke in front of everyone. Every time they tripped me in the
cafeteria and laughed as my food came crashing to the floor, too
poor to buy another lunch. Every time they called me names down the
hall just to see if I'd look, and sure enough I looked every time.
I never forgot every, “loser,” “moron,” “retard,” or, “stupid”.
    I gripped the smooth, heavy gun in my left
pocket a little tighter after that thought.
    Hmm, stupid? Who's stupid now, Asshole?

 
12
     
    Oh, God, please don't make me relive it
again! I don't think I can take it one more time! Please! PLEASE!
Just this once, please, don't make me do it! Please...
    My pleading is useless. I know this, yet I
scream anyway still clinging to that hope that someone may care.
That someone is listening to my madness. But, I'm begging to thin
air. It's not that They can't hear me, They just don't care.
Because it's not God that I answer to Here. There is no mercy Here.
I could go completely insane, rip out my own intestines, stomp them
into this murky putrid swamp I now call home, and They would simply
smile.
    This is my punishment. My torture. I am
Prometheus and They are the vultures who eat away at my soul. I
must be tormented for eternity