Gone for Good Read Online Free Page B

fit when we were growing up. They had certainly lessened over the years, but they still returned from time to time. ‘She can handle those. And so can you.’
    ‘She felt it was different this time. Worse.’ He held his hands out in a resigned gesture. ‘She called the police. No charges were filed, and Ronnie calmed down. But it really shook her up.’
    It was my turn to stare at the floor. I couldn’t be certain what disturbed me more – the fact that my brother had
grown so threatening that the police had had to intervene, or that no one had bothered to tell me about this major family crisis.
    Paul said, ‘I don’t think she wanted you to worry about her. Or Ronnie.’
    ‘No,’ I said. ‘She wanted to punish me. She wanted me to know I was being excluded from her life.’
    ‘Don’t say that,’ he said. His voice took on an edge. ‘Not now.’
    ‘You know it’s true,’ I said. ‘That’s how she is.’ I caught myself, cleared my throat again before I spoke. ‘
Was.
Oh, Paul – I just didn’t think she would ever die. I didn’t think it was possible for her to die.’ I wiped at my eyes again. ‘First Dad … now Mom. I’m not ready for this.’
    ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you to make you upset,’ he said. ‘I told you so you’d know. If the police ask. And they probably will ask.’
    ‘This is all so much,’ I said. ‘Too much.’
    I walked around the room, but I didn’t know where I was going. The room felt small and cramped, like an aquarium filling with water.
    Mom is gone
. I felt empty and full of emotion at the same time. I didn’t know what to think or do.
    ‘Will you stay here tonight?’ I asked. ‘With Ronnie? Will you?’
    Paul didn’t offer the immediate agreement I had come to expect from him. He stumbled over his response.
    ‘Stay here?’ he asked.
    ‘I don’t think I can,’ I said.
    Then I understood his hesitation. He didn’t want to
stay there either. Not in the house where his sister had died.
    ‘I don’t think –’
    I cut him off. ‘You don’t have to,’ I said. ‘I can.’
    ‘No, it’s just … I guess I don’t want to wake Ronnie up and bring him to my place.’
    ‘It’s weird for you too,’ I said. ‘Forget about it. I’ll stay.’
    ‘No,’ he said, his voice firm now. He nodded his head. ‘I’ll stay. You go take care of what you have to take care of. I’ll be here.’ He turned and opened the bedroom door. He left the space as quickly as I wanted to. ‘I’ll sleep out here. On the couch.’

5
    Paul
helped Ronnie with his coat and tie. My brother managed the shirt and pants with no problem. He even polished his dress shoes with a rag from the kitchen and slicked his hair into place with a pocket comb. The tie vexed him, as it would me, but Paul was there wearing a grey suit with a red tie of his own. He stepped in front of Ronnie and expertly knotted it for him.
    I opted for a simple black dress. It wasn’t too revealing. I didn’t want to look like I was hitting a cocktail party. It was Mom’s funeral, after all, and I was going to be doing a lot of talking and hugging. Grad school limited my budget, and I had bought the dress the spring before to attend a party at the provost’s house. The dress made me look good, but it didn’t reveal too much. I was five-five and thin like Mom. We both had narrow waists and small breasts. I didn’t work at staying thin – I just
was
thin. My grad school friends whose bodies had started to go to pot thanks to nights of drinking Mountain Dew and eating cheap fast food occasionally cursed me for it.
    The previous two days had passed in a blur of phone calls and emails and paperwork. And the occasional break to stop and cry. The smallest thing could set me off. I might remember a scarf Mom once wore, or a time she made me a special meal when I was a child. Then the floodgates would open and I’d cry until I was empty. It
made me feel better for a few moments, as if the tears needed to be