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nightmare for fans of Idiotic Amy books everywhere.”
    “Don’t give up hope, Nick,” said Rand. “We will find her, and she will return with a tale of doing something so idiotic it will make for the best Idiotic Amy book yet.”
    Boney and Gilpin said the press conference was about to start and led us to the media room where it would take place. Next to the podium there was a big poster of Amy. She looked hot in the poster photo, which was good because that would get other hot girls interested in me. Hot girls assumed that if a hot girl was dating a guy he must be awesome. Note to self: keep directing attention to the poster!
    An official-looking woman in a suit came up to me and said, “Remember Nick, the main point of this press conference is to mobilize the community and get people looking for Amy.” Then before I knew it the press conference had begun and it was time for me to speak.
    “Hello. I’m Nick Dunne, and my wife Amy is missing,” I said. “If you really want to help, you can, but if you’re busy, no worries. It’ll probably be pretty boring searching anyway. Think about it: out there baking in the hot sun...walking through poison ivy and stepping in dog poo...and you’ll probably be looking in completely the wrong place anyway. On second thought, you know what? Just don’t even bother searching. Stay at home, relax. You deserve a little me-time.”
    The woman in the suit rushed forward and grabbed the microphone away from me, and handed it to Rand.
    “Hi, I’m Rand Elliott, Amy’s father,” he said. “And I just want to say: we want her back . We, her family. The family of Idiotic Amy readers.”
    The woman in the suit tapped Rand on the shoulder and pointed to me. She was clearly telling Rand to give me a chance to redeem myself. Rand nodded.
    “I’m sure Nick wants her back, too,” he said. “Right Nick?”
    The entire room turned to look toward me...and they saw me snoring, because I’d fallen asleep.
     
     

AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 5, 2010
     
     
    It’s the evening of our third wedding anniversary. And I’m spending it alone.
    Nick called a little while ago and said he’s really sorry but a bunch of his co-workers got laid off today, and he needs to go out with them for some drinks. But I know this means he’s actually fucking another girl. See, when a married guy gives you any reason for not being able to make it somewhere, women know the real reason is he’s fucking another girl. Working late? Fucking another girl. Car got a flat? Fucking another girl. Fell on some ice and broke his arm? Fucking another girl. Yes, even personal injuries. If your husband says he can’t make it somewhere because he injured himself, he’s either faking the injury or intentionally injured himself after fucking another girl to give himself an excuse.
    I never understand why guys don’t realize women know this, and just come right out and say, “I can’t make it, because I’ve got to go fuck another girl.” It would make everybody’s life a lot easier.
    I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Amy, if he’s gonna cheat on you like this, why not get divorced?” If you’re thinking this, I know you’re a guy or a non-hot girl. Because you’re failing to take into account why hot girls get married in the first place: status. And you’re also failing to see that Nick’s cheating actually isn’t hurting my status, but rather will eventually help my status. You see, a guy cheating on you means he’s a cooler, higher-level dude. So if you can eventually domesticate him and stop him from cheating, you get huge hot girl cred for that. Do you think all my friends with their dancing monkey husbands get credit for their husbands fawning all over them? No way. But when Nick is once again fawning all over me, none of my hot girl friends will be able to deny I am better than them.
    So I sit here content on my anniversary, even though I am by myself cooking lobsters no one will eat. I actually