Futile Flame Read Online Free Page B

Story
     
Guilt
     
     
    Caesare avoided me at first. Our relationship had never been close, but I knew he must share the guilt I felt. What had happened between us was wrong and it could never occur again. A return to any form of normality was unlikely, although we had to exist in the same home and at least be pleasant to each other in front of everyone else.
    At dinner one evening, some weeks later, I found him staring at me, a peculiar look in his eyes. I quickly averted mine. The teasing between us had stopped completely now. He no longer made remarks to get a rise out of me. I was surprised that no one else noticed. Life in the Borgia world was the same to everyone but me.
    ‘You would not believe the things I am asked for,’ Father said, pointing his knife down the table at his mistress Guila Farnese, who had long since replaced my mother, Giovanna Dei Cattani, and I had lived in her household for three years now.
    Guila was sweet and pretty and always kind, even when Father was not present. For this I was always grateful to her.
    ‘Do tell us, my love,’ Guila smiled at Father.
    ‘Today a peasant woman in the street during my march...’ He chewed a piece of beef fervently before continuing. ‘... shouts to me, “bless me with children”. Guila, the woman was a hag,’ he laughed. ‘No miracle in the world could even bless her with a husband.’
    I laughed at this, as I did all of Father’s stories, as I glanced around the table to see the reaction of others. Caesare still stared at me. My smile froze. His eyes raped me. His expression burnt me. He was captivated by the laughter that choked in my throat.
    ‘Did you give her a blessing, Father?’ I forced my smile back in place, and turned my head back to face my Father.
    ‘Well, I waved my hands above her, but I wouldn’t insult our good Lord by asking him to allow this witch to produce hideous offspring.’
    ‘Father, have you thought anymore about Luci’s marriage?’
    Caesare enquired and the smile fell from my Father’s face.
    ‘You know that at some time she must be wed, Caesare. We don’t want our darling girl to be left unmarried now do we?’
    ‘She is still very young though, Father. Surely there’s no need to hurry? There may yet be better matches to be made.’
    I looked intently at my brother as he argued my case for me. Clearly there were advantages to the change in our relationship and I couldn’t help the surge of gratitude that blossomed inside my chest like a morning daisy, full of hope that the sun will shine. It waited, hoping to grow and be free of the burden of roots.
    ‘That may be true. However, you must trust that I have it on high authority that this is a good match. Lucrezia is a desirable prospect now. She is young, strong, healthy and beautiful.’
    ‘Prospect? Lucrezia is a prospect? How coldly you put it, Father. But as her brother, and the second in this household, I am naturally concerned that she is to be married to a man that none of us know. What kind of man is he? Will he be kind to her? We heard he was a Spaniard.’
    I was shocked by this revelation. It had never occurred to me that the man might not be kind to me, and I had never considered his origins, because all along I had believed that Father would again change his mind.
    ‘I know him,’ Father answered, ‘and I can manipulate this to my own needs.’
    He turned to me then, his brown eyes serious and firm.
    ‘Sometimes we must do what duty requires of us, Lucrezia. And that duty may not always be pleasant for a woman. But at least he is a young man and this may make you feel a little reassured.’
    ‘But, Father,’ Caesare interrupted. ‘He is Spanish! How can any of us bear the thought of losing her overseas?’ Caesare’s eyes were raw as he met my wide-eyed stare. His voice grew soft as he spoke. ‘How can you imagine never seeing Luci? Waking in the morning, knowing her smile will be given elsewhere and may never grace our table, our