Freeing Read Online Free Page B

unsure about our relationship, one thing I am sure of is that I have to see him again.
     

     
    Stripping down to my boxers, I slide into bed with Candace. Lying behind her, I tuck her tightly against me. I’m conflicted in my thoughts about Mark, but I don’t reveal these worries to her. I simply absorb the comfort she gives me just by being with her.
    “So what did you guys do?” she whispers into the darkness.
    “We grabbed coffee. That’s all.” I want to tell her. I want her to know my fears, but for some reason, I can’t get enough courage to go there yet.
    “You gonna see him again?”
    “Probably not,” I lie, and I have no idea why. Why am I doing this? It’s Candace. She would never judge me; I know this. Why am I acting like such a pussy about this?
    Snapping me out of my self-destructive thoughts, she says, “We’re hopeless, huh?”
    I hear her giggle under her breath when I kiss the top of her head and agree. “Totally hopeless.”
    Lacing her fingers with mine over the top of my hand, she sighs as she softens into me. I lie there in her bed, listening to her breathing slowly leveling out as she drifts off to sleep. Emotions begin to well up inside of me as I try and sort through my thoughts.
    I like Mark, there is no doubt about that, but the anxiety I’ve had since we started spending more time together is stirring up this shame I thought I had let go of. I’ve been fine just playing the field and having fun, not bothering to question myself or what this all really means. This is almost too much for me to deal with. I thought that maybe I was ready for this; I thought I knew who I was, but it turns out, I’m still confused as shit.

 
     
    Tossing my gym bag into the back of my SUV, I text Mark when I hop in and shut the door.
     
    On my way.
     
    After the other night, Mark had called and wanted to hit the gym with me. I probably shouldn’t have agreed; I know he wants something more than what I think I’m able to give him—what I know I’m not able to give him. But I can’t help the feelings that overwhelm me every time I talk to him, or hell, even think about him. So when he called and suggested getting together, I couldn’t say no.
     
    Hey, I’m running late. Meet me at my house and we can ride together. Kyle is home.
     
    Okay. See you in a bit.
     
    When I arrive at Mark’s house, Kyle answers the door and lets me in.
    “Hey, man. Mark just called and said he was on his way.”
    “Oh, okay,” I say as I follow him into the living room. “What are you up to today?”
    “Nothing really. Just hanging out, watching TV,” he says as he picks up his beer from the coffee table and sits back on the couch.
    I sit down next to him as he starts flipping through the channels and asks, “What are you guys going to go do?”
    “Gonna hit the gym for a couple hours.”
    Taking a swig of his beer, he stays focused on the TV when he asks, “So you guys dating?”
    “No,” I answer way too quickly. God, why can’t I face this? Why can’t I just be comfortable enough to say yes?
    Tipping his head to look at me, he smirks and repeats, “No?”
    I know that look. I give that look. A lot. When his eyes shift to my mouth, I suddenly feel like I’m back in my all-too-familiar territory, so I maintain, “No,” with a slight shake of my head.
    Meeting my eyes again, I know what he’s thinking. Knowing Mark is on his way home, and as much as I like him, these feelings I’m starting to have for him bring up all the shit I don’t like to think about. Being numb and emotionless with guys is just easier, so I take this bait as an easy out from my conflicting situation with Mark. When Kyle leans in, I take the rope he is offering and hang myself.
    I kiss him.
    Grabbing his face with my hands, I tangle my lips with his, knowing that once Mark walks through that door it will all be over, and I can bury this self-hatred that only he has been able to dig up.
    There is nothing behind this kiss