Food: A Love Story Read Online Free Page A

was voluntary, but I honestly don’t know. Maybe his wife was just trying to kill him.
GRAVY DRINKER: Honey, I’m going to Kmart.
WIFE: Well, why don’t you have a cup of gravy?
GRAVY DRINKER: Well, I guess I could …
WIFE: And why don’t you sign this additional life insurance policy?
GRAVY DRINKER: Boy, you love buying life insurance.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF AMERICAN FOOD
    People look at a map of the United States and see different things. Some people see red states and blue states. Some see North and South. Some see East and West. I see food. I’m not saying the geographical areas of the United States actually look edible to me (not yet, anyway), although I once saw a potato chip shaped like Alaska. Unfortunately, I ate it before I could take a photo. Anyway, my point is, I travel a great deal as a stand-up comedian. I’ve performed in all fifty states and eaten my way through pretty much every major city. After my fourth or fifth lap of performing and eating across our beautiful and delicious country, I started to think of the geography of our country as it relates to food.
    My food geography of the United States, while unscientific, is very personal (and brilliant, in my personal opinion). My hope is that one day, schools, businesses, and prisons will have the Jim Gaffigan American Food Map hanging in their libraries and/or bathrooms. We all have our own unique dreams.

    I believe the United States is composed of five major food areas:
•  Seabugland (Northeast Coast)
•  Eating BBQland (Southeast/Parts of Midwest)
•  Super Bowl Sunday Foodland (Midwest/Parts of East)
•  Steakland (Texas to Upper West)
•  Mexican Foodland (Southwest to Texas)
    And smaller unique areas:
•  Wineland (Northern California)
•  Coffeeland (Pacific Northwest)
    Some of my geographic areas of food blur into other food geographic areas. The greatest example would be Texas, which is a convergence of Mexican Foodland, Eating BBQland, and Steakland. I’m not being generous here. It would be unfair to not put Texas in all three of these major food geographical areas. They just do things bigger in Texas. Louisiana and New Orleans in particular are unique to the food geography of the United States. It’s almost as if the Mississippi River flowed all its special food excellence down, and it drained into New Orleans. There are, of course, other exceptions to my regional distinctions, but first let’s explore these major areas on the Jim Gaffigan American Food Map.

SEABUGLAND
    You will notice on my food geography map that I’ve identified the northeast coast of the United States as far south as Maryland as “Seabugland.” By seabugs I mean those so-called food items you call “shellfish.” On the surface, naming an entire section of the country after shellfish might appear like an oversimplification. After all, the Northeast boasts many other regional food specialties, and most coastal areas of the United States are littered with shellfish, and I emphasize the word littered . However, shellfish are an integral part of the northeastern identity. Whenever someone does a bad Boston accent, it’s either to say “wicked” or “lobstah.” Lobster is as much a part of the New England personality as is the hating of all things New York City. All along the northeast coast you find this obsession with things that live in shells. Coastal Connecticut, New York City, and Long Island have a long-standing love affair with oysters. Maryland is not Maryland without crab. I know, technically Maryland is “Mid-Atlantic,” but it must be included as part of the East Coast bug-loving culture. If you can catch something in a net and crack it open for food, those bug lovers will eat it.
    Shellfish are not for me. I’m from the Midwest, and outside of the occasional shrimp cocktail, I had limited exposure to shellfish—or any other kind of seafood, really. I’m still not sure I (or anyone, for that matter) would recognize a scallop in