Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency Read Online Free Page B

simple search and replace routine would take about three hours.’
    ‘I forget, did you ever get any essays done at all?’
    ‘Well, not as such.  No actual essays, but the reasons why not were absolutely fascinating.  For instance, I discovered that...’
    He broke off, laughing at himself.
    ‘I was also playing keyboards in a rock group, of course,’ he added.  ‘That didn’t help.’
    ‘Now, that I didn’t know,’ said Reg.  ‘Your past has murkier things in it than I dreamed possible.  A quality, I might add, that it shares with this soup.’  He wiped his mouth with his napkin very carefully.  ‘I must go and have a word with the kitchen staff one day.  I would like to be sure that they are keeping the right bits and throwing the proper bits away.  So.  A rock group, you say.  Well, well, well.  Good heavens.
    ‘Yes,’ said Richard.  ‘We called ourselves The Reasonably Good Band, but in fact we weren’t.  Our intention was to be the Beatles of the early eighties, but we got much better financial and legal advice than the Beatles ever did, which was basically ‘Don’t bother’, so we didn’t.  I left Cambridge and starved for three years.’
    ‘But didn’t I bump into you during that period,’ said Reg, ‘and you said you were doing very well?’
    ‘As a road sweeper, yes.  There was an awful lot of mess on the roads.  More than enough, I felt, to support an entire career.  However, I got the sack for sweeping the mess on to another sweeper’s patch.’
    Reg shook his head.  ‘The wrong career for you, I’m sure.  There are plenty of vocations where such behaviour would ensure rapid preferment.’
    ‘I tried a few -- none of them much grander, though.  And I kept none of them very long, because I was always too tired to do them properly.  I’d be found asleep slumped over the chicken sheds or filing cabinets -- depending on what the job was.  Been up all night with the computer you see, teaching it to play “Three Blind Mice”.  It was an important goal for me.’
    ‘I’m sure,’ agreed Reg.  ‘Thank you,’ he said to the college servant who took his half-finished plate of soup from him, ‘thank you very much.  “Three Blind Mice”, eh?  Good.  Good.  So no doubt you succeeded eventually, and this accounts for your present celebrated status.  Yes?
    ‘Well, there’s a bit more to it than that.’
    ‘I feared there might be.  Pity you didn’t bring it with you though.  It might have cheered up the poor young lady who is currently having our dull and crusty company forced upon her.  A swift burst of “Three Blind Mice” would probably do much to revive her spirits.’  He leaned forward to look past his two right-hand neighbours at the girl, who was still sitting sagging in her chair.
    ‘Hello,’ he said.
    She looked up in surprise, and then dropped her eyes shyly, swinging her legs again.
    ‘Which do you think is worse,’ enquired Reg, ‘the soup or the company?’
    She gave a tiny, reluctant laugh and shrugged, still looking down.
    ‘I think you’re wise not to commit yourself at this stage,’ continued Reg.  ‘Myself, I’m waiting to see the carrots before I make any judgements.  They’ve been boiling them since the weekend, but I fear it may not be enough.  The only thing that could possibly be worse than the carrots is Watkin.  He’s the man with the silly glasses sitting between us.  My name’s Reg, by the way.  Come over and kick me when you have a moment.’  The girl giggled and glanced up at Watkin, who stiffened and made an appallingly unsuccessful attempt to smile good-naturedly.
    ‘Well, little girl,’ he said to her awkwardly, and she had desperately to suppress a hoot of laughter at his glasses.  Little conversation therefore ensued, but the girl had an ally, and began to enjoy herself a tiny little bit.  Her father gave her a relieved smile.
    Reg turned back to Richard, who said, suddenly, ‘Do you have any