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moving
when I left.
    "Rose, I
didn't kill her. I swear I didn't! She was still alive when I left
her!" I desperately need her to believe me.
    "You know,
sometimes it takes awhile for a person to die after a beating. And a
gunshot to the head usually ensures it," Rose sounds cold,
hateful almost.
    "But
I didn't shoot her! I never pulled my gun!"
    "Is
it possible - in the condition you were in - that you did shoot
her, and just don't remember it?" she asks me.
    "No! No, I
remember it all," I insist.
    But then I become
unsure.
    I tell her I'll
talk to her when we meet up, then I end the call before she can say
another word.
    Will and Jake ask
me what's going on, but I tell them to just give me a minute.
    I need to think!
    I climb over the
backseat with Will's help and refuse his offer to get in the back
with me.
    "Just... please! Give me some time alone for a little while. Please? "
I beg him.
    He nods and turns
toward the front, giving me my privacy. I sink down in the seat, then
decide to lie down and let my memories of what happened in the barn
play out.
    I remember
opening the door, the darkness, following the sounds in the stall,
finding Sara making the stall her little home. I remember entering
the stall and Sara's shock at seeing me. I remember her raising her
arms to protect her face and head, the screams and moans from the
pain of my fists pounding into her. The utter joy and satisfaction I
felt with each blow. And then...
    I remember
washing the blood off myself at the pump. Lots of blood. But I also felt a burning pain in my hands when I washed
them, and when I checked, I could see half moon-shaped holes in my
palms. Not hard to figure out I did that myself. And then the blood
that came from my own nose. So the majority of the blood was mine
then, right?
    Wait.
    What happened
between beating her and washing myself off?
    What happened?
    I can't
remember!
    Oh, Holy God!
    I just can't
remember!
    Confused
and angry - and beginning to accept that I did kill her - I punch the back of Jake's seat and scream in frustration
and fear. Startled, Jake slams on the brakes, swearing until he gets
the truck stopped. Not yet ready to admit what I did aloud, I squeeze
my eyes shut - as if that will keep them from questioning me.

Chapter
Four
    I finally open my
eyes to see both of their faces looking down at me in concern.
Sucking in a deep breath, and letting it out slowly, I open my mouth
to speak - finally telling them how Sara was found.
    "They think I shot her," I finish.
    "Oh bullshit !
You didn't shoot her. Someone else must have. You couldn't have done it," Will insists.
    I love Will -
and his loyalty - but this time, I wish he would just accept the
truth.
    I murdered Sara!
    "After
what she did ,
I can't see how anyone can be upset at you for doing it. We all, at
one time or another, wanted to," Jake says.
    "Yeah,
but no one actually did .
No one but me," I tell him. "What the hell is wrong with
me? And why can't I remember ?
Rose thinks the bi-polar just took over and I blacked out while I was
with Sara. I guess that's probably how it happened, considering I
can't remember leaving her."
    "That, or
maybe all the head trauma you've had. Don't beat yourself up over it,
Canada. It's not your fault. You had no control over it, so just
stop. They're your family, they'll understand. They love you,"
Jake tells me.
    I look at Will,
who's become silent. He's just staring at me; no real expression on
his face.
    "Will?
What about you? Do you still love me? Do you still want to be around me?"
    Will places his
hands on each side of my face. "Of course I do. I'll always love
you. And I still don't believe you did it." He lightly shakes my
head with his hands when I open my mouth to protest. "No! Don't
even try to change my mind. I mean it, Canada, I don't believe it.
And even if I did, it wouldn't change how I feel about you."
    I give Will a weak
smile, but keep my mouth shut. Jake climbs over the seat, starts the
truck back up, and gets us