Designated Fat Girl Read Online Free Page A

because I’m walking first thing in the morning, I will set the tone for the rest of the day. I will eat well because I won’t want to mess up what I’ve done.
I rip open the Hershey’s bar.
But maybe you should start now. You don’t need that candy. Throw it away. Prove to yourself that you know you are worth it.
The little voice is annoying me now, and I push it deep inside my subconscious.
No, I have to eat this now,
I tell myself.
If I don’t, I’ll feel deprived all day tomorrow, and that will mess me up. Go ahead and get it over with and then make a fresh start.
    I lie in bed and eat the Hershey’s bar, and then the Reese’s cups. I stuff the wrappers between the two mattresses, vowingto get rid of them the next morning. My tears are long gone. I’m back to feeling nothing. The back-and-forth has stopped, at least for now, and I’m ready to let sleep come and get me. Take me away. Take me to thin, pretty, happy Jennifer. I miss her. So much.
    I fall asleep.
    The beast smiles.

2
Bingeing and Hiding
    My binge eating was born in 1990. I was a senior in high school,
and I had just gone through yet another breakup with my abusive boyfriend. I decided the answer to all my problems would be to finally rid myself of the extra thirty pounds I’d carried for as long as I could remember. I wish I could say I wanted to lose the weight to attract a better boyfriend, but in truth, I hoped to make the abusive one insanely jealous so he would fall head over heels for me and never cheat again. Twisted, I know, but that’s where my head was that New Year’s Eve. I decided to stay home and eat all my favorite foods, to get them out of my system. Then the next day I would start my new diet in earnest. I got a double cheeseburger and fries from Wendy’s, plus a big bag of Funyuns and a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. I stayed home and watched Dick Clark and ate until I thought I would puke. This was new; it had never occurred to me before to binge like this. Looking back, I have no clue what gave me the idea.
    At midnight the Wendy’s meal was long gone. I threw away what was left of the Funyuns, and I poured the remaining Mountain Dew down the sink. I was so satisfied with myself.
    Believe it or not, it worked. I lost twenty-five pounds in about three months. I taught myself to drink diet soft drinks, something I never thought I would do.
    I avoided fast food and Funyuns, and I even started to exercise a little. I received compliments everywhere I went. The more attention I got, the more motivated I became to keep up the good work.
    The abusive boyfriend was jealous, and he wanted me back. Of course I went. And I did keep the weight off for quite some time, so I became convinced that bingeing was the way to go. Get it out of your system; then get down to work.
    Little did I know that this dangerous bingeing habit would one day threaten my life.
    I can’t remember a time when eating wasn’t a central part of my being. I wasn’t an obese child, but in some ways I think I had it even worse: I was always about twenty-five pounds overweight, just fat enough to get picked on. Where did the extra weight come from? Genetics, I’m sure played a part, although neither of my parents was overweight. Smoking was their vice of choice, with the added inclination of drinking for my dad. I have two brothers, one of whom was skinny as a rail and short most of his life. The other, like me, has always fought extra pounds, despite his being a highly decorated athlete while growing up. No, my extra weight was born more out of poor habits, caring way too much way too early about the wrong kinds of food. Fast food wasn’t the problem then; a trip to McDonald’s was a rare treat when I was a little girl. But soda—or “drinks” as we used to call them in North Carolina—that was my problem almost from the very beginning.
    My love affair with Mountain Dew goes back as far as I can remember. My dad would get home from his job at the