Dear Emily (Forever Family) Read Online Free Page B

he closes my car door.
    The hour drive goes quickly as my mind is racing with the usual questions:
    What if she sees me and doesn’t like the way I look?
    What if she already changed her mind and is going to let me down when I get there?
    What if she and Seth decided to pick another couple?
    What if – ugh!
    I have to stop this.
    As usual, Kyle’s navigation setup is perfect. I arrive at the clinic about ten minutes early. Tabitha is right. This place is literally in Hell.
    I’m able park directly across the street from the clinic, thank goodness. The dregs of society are in the surrounding area, and suddenly I’m wishing that I had Kyle with me. He has a soft and kind heart, but at six foot-four and two hundred and ten pounds of lean muscle, he is certainly intimidating. He makes my five-foot-nine frame look small and slight.
    I enter the clinic and suddenly realize that I have no idea what she looks like. She of course knows what I look like since she’s seen our adoption profile. I walk in slowly and scan the room. There is only one couple in the corner huddled together. OK, she’s not here yet.
    I sit down and try to relax. I’m early. It’s OK. She will be here.
    I hope.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
    Present
    Age 21
    Dear Emily,
    I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel worthy to be your mother. I’m damaged. More damaged than you could ever imagine. You don’t deserve a life with me. You deserve so much more than I can give you.
    Please don’t hate me. Please don’t think that you weren’t wanted.
    Please don’t hate me.
    Please.
    I gave up my other little girl a few years ago. Your sister, Sara. I didn’t know what I was doing then, and I don’t know what I’m doing now. I may actually be getting worse.
    I’m going to meet Carly in person soon. She’s coming to my next ultrasound.
    She deserves you and more importantly, you deserve her. She is not damaged. She is perfect in every way.
    The first time that I saw her picture in their adoption profile, I knew she would be the perfect mother to you. She is beautiful. I think you are going to look like her. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s her coloring. She reminds me of what I used to look like. Before…
    She is a teacher! Oh Emily, she is so smart, and her smile will make you laugh and giggle. Her presence will put you totally at ease.
    She’s your Mom and you are so lucky.
    I’m jealous of her. Of her life. Of what she is. Of everything that I am not.
    I think I hate her a little…
    I can’t finish the letter. I tear it out of my book, crumple it up, and chuck it across the room. I’m shaking and crying, and my mind is racing. What am I doing? What are we doing? This is the right thing to do, right?
    Seth has other coping mechanisms. He’s become completely obsessed with Kyle. All I hear is ‘Kyle this’ and ‘Kyle that’.
    “Kyle is going to teach Emily to play guitar as early as possible.”
    “Kyle is going to get her a piano when she turns seven.”
    Oh. My. God.
    If I hear any more about what Kyle is going to do, and how great of a father he is going to be to Emily, I might just spit! I know that Seth is enamored by the type of father Kyle is going to be. I feel that same way about Carly.
    But I’m also feeling jealousy. I’m jealous of Carly. Of Kyle.
    I’m so angry with myself because I can’t cope. Not since Alex …
    But Seth is OK with everything.
    About our decision to give away our baby!
    MY fucking baby!
    When I found out I was pregnant, Seth went into full panic mode. He isn’t ready to be a father any more than I’m ready to be a mother. A real mother, like Carly.
    God! I don’t even know if Seth is the father considering I slept with him just days after having unprotected sex with Alex.
    But maybe, deep down, I think I do know.
    Seth was here to pick up the broken pieces of me that Alex left behind.
    Seth loves me, but he’s just not ready to take on additional responsibilities. He knows that we can’t handle it.