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wrong thing to say and I’m
immediately defensive, angry. We—Todd and Jen, as a unit—are not fucked up. We might have a non-traditional relationship,
and certainly there’s no love of the romantic variety involved, but
we are steady, reliable. I always know what to expect from Todd and
I depended on the structure and stability he provided. Most people
wouldn’t understand it, but it had worked well for us for almost
four years. It would still be working well for us if I hadn’t made
a fool of myself over his best friend. How dare he say we were fucked up?
    Ready to argue and tell him how cruel it is
to say such a thing, I tip my head to look at him but the
expression on his face brings me up short. I stare, sputtering, and
try to hide that the vulnerability in his eyes is breaking my
heart. He didn’t mean that we, together, were fucked up. He meant
that we, individually, were fucked up and I couldn’t very well
argue with that because he was absolutely right.
    “Yeah, me, too.” I’m still a little
breathless and I hope he can hear my sincerity.
    “You don’t have to go, you know. We could
work around—”
    “Yes, I do. Maybe it’s better this way
anyway.” I lay my head back on his chest because it’s just too hard
to look at him while we talk about this.
    “How do you figure?”
    “Well, I think maybe we’re codependent. Or
something like that. We make each other feel better but that’s not
necessarily making us better.”
    Todd’s quiet for a moment, thoughtful. I can
almost hear the wheels turning in his head as he considers what
I’ve said. Finally, he simply shrugs and says, “Yeah, maybe. I
don’t know.”
    “Where are Kim and Suzie?” I’d been so upset
when he first came home, and so distracted since then, it hadn’t
occurred to me to wonder until now where they were. But they live
here with him, just like I do —did. So their absence was definitely
planned.
    “The mall. Suzie snatched my credit card and
said something about massages and pedicures and who knows what the
fuck else.” Todd snorts before adding, “They’ll be home in a
while.”
    I pull away from him and get up, retrieving
the clothes I’d left on the dresser when I packed earlier. I start
to dress and ask, “Will you tell them I said goodbye?”
    “You don’t have to go right this second, Jen.
Why don’t you wait and say goodbye yourself?” Todd gets up and sits
on the edge of the bed, watching me with apprehension.
    “No. I can’t…I don’t want…No. I’m sorry. Will
you just tell them?” My voice is cracking like a teenage boy and it
hurts to swallow around the lump in my throat. It’s hard enough to
leave. The prospect of seeing Suzie and Kim, of having to say
goodbye to them, it’s just too much.
    “Okay, sure.”
    Avoiding Todd’s gaze, I finish dressing in
silence. When I’m done, Todd wraps the towel around his hips again
and walks with me to the front door. I pick up my two bags, still
unable to look at him, and mumble, “There’s a couple of boxes in my
bedroom still. When I figure out where I’m going to end up I’ll let
you know, if you could ship them to me or something.”
    “Hey, I’ll hand deliver them if you stay in
the area.” His voice is warm, affectionate, and it makes it all the
harder to say what I need to say.
    “I think it’s best if you don’t, Todd. I
think…” I trail off lamely, uncertain how to tell him that I’ll
always care about him but that I don’t think we should see one
another again. Probably, ever.
    “I get it.” He nods briskly and sounds a
little hurt but I think he really does get it. If nothing else,
Todd is always pretty good at understanding me. Takes a broken
person to know one, I guess.
    “Goodbye, Todd.”
    “Goodbye, Jen.” Todd leans forward and
brushes a soft kiss across my temple. It makes me want to linger
just a little longer. But I can’t.
    It’s time to start over.

About the Author
    Liza Gaines grew up in Michigan before