Claire's Song Read Online Free Page A

robotically and head downstairs. I slide into the chair across from my mother at the breakfast table.
    "Your father's coming home tonight," Mom smiles across the table as she pushes a bagel towards me.
     It takes everything I have not to slide it back to her. I love her, but she's clueless. Even I saw the signs when I got ready this morning. My eyes are still red and puffy from crying all night. I tried eyeliner, but that only framed the redness, rather than completely obliterate it. My hair's a mess and I just threw it up in a messy ponytail, no one at school to impress, anyway. Then again, my mother gave up asking the real questions about a month after Jamie died. I frustrated her and Dad was the only one who seemed to help. She pretended nothing happened and couldn’t see why I refused to do the same.
                "That's awesome," I say as I take a bite out of the bagel. It's dry and feels like sawdust in my mouth. I try to hide my thoughts, but it's too late. She finally notices.
                "You need an appointment with the therapist weekly, I think. I just don't know that every two weeks is cutting it," Mom says as she reaches for her phone. She disappears from the room without a backward glance and I know she's calling Dr. Robinson.
                Maybe she's right. Maybe I never really faced things like I was supposed to. The only person I’ve told about that last night with Jamie is Dr. Robinson. She’s the only person who knows about the million what-ifs that run through my mind every single day.
    What if I told him I loved him sooner? What if I followed him home instead of calling his sister? What if I had seen the signs sooner? I carry so much guilt with me that sometimes it gets to be too much.
    My grieving was completely whacked out and all I can remember is my mom giving me her painkillers to dull the agony. What she didn't understand was that the pain wasn't physical. It's my heart that aches every day. I know why he left me. I read the letter. But I still feel like every part of me, my heart, body, and soul, wasn’t enough for him. I’m simply not enough for anyone. My parents think I can't see what's going on in front of my face, but I see their relationship splitting at the seams. I see that I'm partially to blame. I used to think college would be my ticket out of here, but will that really make the pain, the memories of Jamie go away? I gently rub the tattoo on my wrist and gather my books for school.
                When I walk into first period, Lindy is nowhere to be seen. She was strangely absent in the hallways too, which makes me nervous. I feel like a Chihuahua, shaking in my corner, about to pee myself. My heart speeds up a little when Ryder walks in.  I watch as he pushes his hoodie sleeves up, revealing the two thick leather bands around each wrist. He swings his head to move his hair out of his eyes and slides into the seat next to mine. I quickly look away, but I can still feel my heart tripping all over itself. I haven't felt anything like this since Jamie. I shake my head, refusing to allow Jamie into my thoughts right now.
                "You okay?" I hear.
                I turn slowly to find Ryder watching me with those intense almost gray eyes. 
                After clearing my throat, I manage to answer, "Yeah, why?"
                He fidgets with the sleeves of his jacket and then looks back at me, "You were just shaking your head, so…"
                A burning blush begins to creep up from my neck and weaves itself across my cheeks. I feel it spreading like wild fire. I move my hand to my cheek, casually attempting to prop up on it, to hide it. "Um, yeah. I'm fine. Thanks."
                Embarrassed doesn't really begin to cover how I'm feeling. I've already got people thinking I'm crazy and that I'm the reason Jamie's dead, but add internal conversations with body movements added,