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to a plastic surgeon, and she calls, but they live in Los Angeles, so “I never get to see them anyway, but those little grandkids of mine get a check from Bubbe every Chanukah for five dollars so they know that I’m thinking of them.”
    She went on to tell me that she was not worried about the fact that the nation just elected a schvartze president, because, as she so eloquently put it, “You can understand what he’s saying when he speaks, and at least you don’t see his underwear pulled up above his pants.” I liked this old gal. “Just hope he’s better than that Dinkins fellow who was the mayor, because when he was in charge, there was shmutz all over the place. I’m an old woman; who cares about me?”
    “Do you call your mother?” she asked longingly.
    “Actually, I live with my mother and my bubbe,” I told her.
    She smiled and said, “What a nice boy. I wish I had another daughter so I could make an introduction.” If she only knew.
    That is one of the things I love about this great city. People kibitz. Kibitzing is an art form. It’s not so simple as just striking up a conversation with total strangers. It is more of pouring out yourself and sharing information that they did not even necessarily ask for. People in this town love to kibitz.
    Many people will still tell you, and let me preface this by saying that they are ignorant and devoid of all common sense, that New York is a dangerous town, or you will watch one of these so-called travel experts like Tony Bourdain, who claims to be a New Yorker, and who longs for the ‘glory days’ of crime and thugery. These are big words from a man who grew up with a silver spoon up his tuchas in the comfortable confines of New Jersey, but I can say this. If you act like a shmuck, then you get exactly what you deserve.
    If I can give a great piece of advice to anyone who plans on visiting this great town, it’s this. Don’t be a shmuck. Use the head that G-d gave you. Take the subway, but keep the map in your pocket. If you are confused, ask for directions, but not from someone who is talking to his shoe and yelling at pigeons. Ride the subway, but if you see a man sitting by himself and everybody on the train seems to be going out of their way to avoid him, you do the same.
    I would also recommend that all of you to try to strike up conversation when possible. I’ve learned more about total strangers on the checkout line at Waldbaum’s than I have about many friends that I have known for centuries.
    I’m not saying that New York is some kind of Eden. Like all places, it has its good and its bad. The one thing that brings it all together is its residents’ ability to kibitz. If you are smart enough to ask, you will learn the keys to survival. But to make things easier for you, I’ll give you some tips.
    Do not go jogging in Central Park in the middle of the night. You get what’s coming to you if you do. Especially if you are not an immortal like I am. Stay out of Gerritsen Beach unless you are a WASP. If you have to ask what a WASP is, all the more reason to avoid that neighborhood. Under no circumstances whatsoever are you to take your eyes off of an Israeli merchant, especially if he is issuing you change. Please do not go to Nathan’s Famous and ask for a Chicago-style hot dog, leave that dreck for the place where it belongs. There is a very valid reason why it is referred to as the second city; just look at what they call pizza. Please keep your culinary dreck to yourselves and shut the fuck up!
    Of course, bear in mind that all of these locales I just mentioned can provide, in one way or another, the opportunity to kibitz.
    I have lived in this city before it even was a city and I can tell you that it is the best place the world has ever known to find whatever you are looking for. Whether it be museums, restaurants, culture, or diversity, if you can’t find it here, you are not looking hard enough. And in all of these places, the one constant