about? After you told me where the dream takes place?”
I bite into my lip and taste the metal of blood.
Lie,
She tells me again, but I do not want to lie anymore and I do not understand why I should. Telling the truth will only make me better, and I want to go home.
My tongue rests behind my top front teeth, preparing to say something—anything—but the muscle locks and the air in my lungs refuses to support the sound. I strain to a point that my face feels hot.
“Emma?”
I shake my head, trying to force any word free. I cannot breathe now, and the harder I try to speak, the worse the pressure becomes.
Men in white lab coats and gray scrubs drive into the room the second I start to convulse. And yet, I continue to try. I have to overcome this. I want to go home.
I told you to lie,
She says coolly.
You don’t understand yet, but you will.
I only understand that I am at war with myself, and I do not know why. One way or another, I will win.
CHAPTER 4
D r. Travista crosses one leg over the other and settles a touch-screen tablet in his lap. He taps a few notations, with an audible
tickticktick
accompanying his fingers. He sighs before looking up at me. “How do you feel today?”
“Fine,” I say.
“Any nightmares?”
“None.” I am back to lying, only now I have my own reasons. The tests after the episode had been horrible. I do not want to relive them. “I am really great.”
He tilts his head and removes his glasses. His expression is mocking and pitying all at once. I do not like this look. “We both know that’s not true.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “They are not as bad anymore.” This is the truth. Noah has been mysteriously—or not so mysteriously, considering Sonya’s reaction—missing from them. Some nights I am utterly alone, and it is almost peaceful because there is no one to fear. “I swear this is the truth.”
He points his glasses at me with emphasis. “Now,
that
I believe. Can you try describing them again? We aren’t in the examination room. Just two friends talking in a comfortable setting.”
The room
is
nice. Real plants and dark woods. Bookshelves with books I will never read because they have to do with chemistry and physics and physiology and other such complicated subjects. Dr. Travista is very smart. Declan calls him a genius.
The furniture is all burnt-red leather. I like this color. It makes me warm despite the colder days.
I caress the soft leather arm of my chair and consider the setting of my nightmare again. Nothing feels safe to talk about. I think words like “monitors” and “doctors.” “Noah.” This word especially gives me pain and threatens to withhold more oxygen. I wish I could tell Dr. Travista about the cylinder of water if for no other reason than to end his relentless questions. To prove to Her that She cannot control me.
I focus on the gray day outside a paned window. Autumn moves quickly into winter. Declan says we might see snow early this year.
“Emma?”
I return my attention to him. “Sorry. What was the question?”
“The dream. Is there anything you can tell me?”
The dream. Not the nightmare. He does not know there is a difference for me. I feel safe in the dream. Despite this, I still do not feel comfortable telling Dr. Travista anything other than, “Stars.” I sense She waits close at hand for the moment when I would reveal too much, preparing to stop me.
“I thought you said it took place inside.”
“Through a window,” I lie. It bothers me how lying is becoming so easy. “It is the only time I get to see them. It is the only part of the dream I wish to relive.”
“Stars, you say? Would you like to see them? I think we can arrange that.”
I feel a noticeable shift in my expression to one of excitement, and it is unfamiliar to my muscles. I like this emotion and wish I had cause to feel it every day. “Could you? Tonight?”
Dr. Travista chuckles. “Yes, of course. Why didn’t you just ask