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restaurant; I’d have to swish it round my mouth and spit it in the bucket, and now and again Eve would touch me under the table while we twizzled our spaghetti. We’d suck it up together til we kissed in the middle, all the birds outside tweeting us a lovesong. I’d say all the right things and make her throw her head back with laughter. Then I’d take her to the cinema, holding hands and rubbing legs all through her favourite chick flick thing. We’d come out around ten o’clock, proceed to a club and dance rumbas til the lights come on – I’d buy all her drinks, and we’d kiss and I’d get that feeling in my stomach like a thousand lit candles. She’d introduce me to all her friends, and they’d fall in love with my sharp wit and charm and insist we marry and have lots of kids. I’d phone for a taxi at about 1:30, letting her have my coat as we walked in the cold to the rank. We wouldn’t have to wait long, and I’d offer her a coffee at mine and she’d accept. We’d laugh at the innuendo and keep kissing until Easterside. After tipping the driver we’d watch the taxi soften in the distance, and I’d hug and whisper a sweet nothing in her ear. Bubbling inside I’d take Eve’s hand, quietly unlock the front door, taking care not to rush or make her nervous. We’d kiss in the hallway, and kiss on the landing and all the way into the bedroom. She wouldn’t laugh at all my crap lying around. I’d light incense, the dim light illuminating rose petals strewn across the four-poster bed. Instead of coffee I’d pop open a champagne bottle, sitting Eve down on the scented covers. Pouring a glass, we’d talk for hours about love and life until we both felt comfortable. I’d caress her smooth sumptuous skin like moonlight brought to flesh, and I’d put on two condoms if she wanted. Her bra would ping off without any trouble. And her knickers. I’d ask politely if she wanted me on top, taking care not to slather on her neck or bite her nipples or thrust too hard or not do any foreplay or anything else men always get slated for. I’d put on the Stones’ ‘She’s a Rainbow’ or ‘Let’s Spend the Night Together’ and she wouldn’t take it the wrong way, a rainbow being where the man gets period in his mouth and the girl gets cum in hers and they kiss. We’d writhe around to the humming guitars, our bodies like Plasticine slowly getting pushed together. As the room fills with flower smell, we’d slowly build momentum and climax completely simultaneously. Naturally, once she reaches orgasm twenty more times we’d stay up talking and cuddling til daybreak. And then the bell went.

Eve
     
    My ex-boyfriend crashed at the traffic lights that dinnertime. He didn’t explode like in the movies – Fairhurst accelerated into the back of the 63 Arriva, and the bus driver got slightly angry with him. Me and Jenni had nicked off school to get a sandwich from Greggs and a couple of Panda colas, and we were stood quietly in the frost when Fairhurst pulled up in his reddy Citroën. I still hadn’t forgiven Jenni for stealing Ben at the Empire but I couldn’t be cross for ever – I’d come to realise Jenni was a selfish cow ever since she stole the My Little Ponies from my fifth birthday bash. I yawned and blinked in the rain. It was your typical drizzly afternoon, and there was no point making it worse. Sniffing, I pulled my blue Duffer sleeves over the love-heart watch and bracelet, waiting patiently for the little green man.
    Girls! Fairhurst shouted over the trancey sound-system; I didn’t think he’d recognise me and Jenni in the middle of town with his windscreen-wipers working so fast. I wondered if I looked good with two black streaks across me.
    How’s it going, I said simply. I picked some cucumber out of my sandwich then popped it in my mouth, munching while I stared at his car, remembering those nights driving round Beechwood and Easterside with him on sex and wacky pills.
    We found ecstasy in