A Pretty Mouth Read Online Free Page A

see to it that the rest of your natural life is as unpleasant and painful as possible. Do you understand me?”
    The Lord Calipash was several inches shorter than me and I had at least a stone on him, but it seemed ill-advised to champion myself in that moment. I decided to wait—little did he know he could not so easily bully Reginald Jeeves.
    “My discretion is absolute, m’lord,” I said, withdrawing a handkerchief from my pocket and dabbing at the side of my mouth, where I felt the blood trickling down. “I merely thought if Lady Alethea was in some discomfort, then perhaps some medicine might aid her.”
    There was a splash, and the lady sat up in her tub. She was attractive in a nervous, lean way, like an overbred whippet. Her wet hair, cut into a ‘bob’ as they call it, streamed water all over her face. I tried not to look anywhere else, but I am only human.
    “If you don’t know how to deal with my condition yet, you can think about it more later. The first thing we need you to do is figure out how best we can snatch and then smuggle that stupid octopus back with us to London,” she said, in a gasping, breathy sort of voice. “I’m fine. I can even get up, but people notice, and my skin dries out terrible quick.”
    Most valets have, at some time or another, engaged in acts outside the guidelines of local law—it is part of our job, if our gentlemen require such, of course. I bowed to the lady.
    “I did not realize you desired to possess the cephalopod that induced your unfortunate condition, Lady Alethea,” I said. “I am sure it could be managed—but if I may, why ? I only ask as your particular needs may affect my planning. Do you suspect a study of its venom would produce an antidote, perhaps?”
    “Never thought a moment about it,” said Lady Alethea. She swept her sodden hair out of her eyes with a webbed hand. I held back a shudder.
    “Our grand scheme is to harvest whatever comes out of it and sell it, Jeeves. We’ll make a mint!” The Lord Calipash rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “We can bottle it as a cure-all or tonic or whatever to idiots keen on health clubs and sanatoriums and things, and we can sell it on the black market to opium addicts, maybe promote it as a cure for morphine addiction, like they did with that heroin stuff.”
    “M’lord, I know a little of that scandal, and researchers discovered that heroin was metabolized as morphine, and, as it was faster acting, it was thusly more addictive than—”
    “Jeeves— Jeeves . Silence,” urged the Lord Calipash, withdrawing a small switchblade knife from his pocket and, after releasing the blade, fingering it in a manner I can only assume was meant to impress upon me that I should take him seriously. “You don’t need to worry about the, I dunno, ethics or whatnot. I promise you, if you aid us, then we will telegraph you the name of the product so you need never worry about purchasing it. Of course, if you tell anyone about what it really is, my earlier threats stand. Neither Alethea nor I have any wish to end up like our American cousins, the Mortlows. Humiliated, shamed, imprisoned. Bally depressing.”
    “But be assured, as a reward for your assistance, we’ll make sure you can look out for number one. That’s what we’re doing, after all,” added Lady Alethea.
    “My lady?”
    “We’re broke,” said the Lord Calipash. “Bankrupt. Glad Bertie didn’t win that little wager, Calipash Manor’s been seized by our creditors. A Swiss family lives there now, and much good may it do them. We made off with the most valuable things and have been hawking them at various jewelers and what have you. Infernal mess. Most of what we own is in this room, frankly.”
    “You’re being hyperbolic,” wheezed Lady Alethea. “We still have the flat in London, you know.”
    “For now.”
    “Anyways who is this fellow, Alastair?” asked Lady Alethea. “Never seen him before. Wherever did you find