A Place I've Never Been Read Online Free Page A

ordered latte macchiato for both of us. “Aren’t you going to have some dessert?” he said. “I know I am. Baba au rhum, perhaps. Or tiramisu. You know
tirami su
means ‘pick me up,’ but if you want to offend an Italian waiter, you say, ‘I’llhave the
tiramilo su
,’ which means ‘pick up my dick.’ ”
    â€œI’m trying to lose weight, Nathan,” I said. “Please don’t encourage me to eat desserts.”
    â€œSorry.” He coughed. Our latte machiatos came, and Nathan raised his cup and said, “Here’s to us. Here’s to Lizzie Fischman. Here’s to never playing that dumb game again as long as we live.” These days, I noticed, Nathan used the phrase “as long as we live” a bit too frequently for comfort.
    Reluctantly I touched my glass to his. “You know,” he said, “I think I’ve always hated that game. Even in college, when I won, it made me jealous. Everyone else had done so much more than me. Back then I figured I’d have time to explore the sexual world. Guess the joke’s on me, huh?”
    I shrugged. I wasn’t sure.
    â€œWhat’s with you tonight, anyway?” he said. “You’re so distant.”
    â€œI just have things on my mind, Nathan, that’s all.”
    â€œYou’ve been acting weird ever since I got back from Europe, Celia. Sometimes I think you don’t even want to see me.”
    Clearly he was expecting reassurances to the contrary. I didn’t say anything.
    â€œWell,” he said, “is that it? You don’t want to see me?” I twisted my shoulders in confusion. “Nathan—”
    â€œGreat,” he said, and laughed so that I couldn’t tell if he was kidding. “Your best friend for nearly ten years. Jesus.”
    â€œLook, Nathan, don’t melodramatize,” I said. “It’s not that simple. It’s just that I have to think a little about myself. My own life, my own needs. I mean, I’m going to be thirtysoon. You know how long it’s been since I’ve had a boyfriend?”
    â€œI’m not against your having a boyfriend,” Nathan said. “Have I ever tried to stop you from having a boyfriend?”
    â€œBut, Nathan,” I said, “I never get to meet anyone when I’m with you all the time. I love you and I want to be your friend, but you can’t expect me to just keep giving and giving and giving my time to you without anything in return. It’s not fair.”
    I was looking away from him as I said this. From the corner of my vision I could see him glancing to the side, his mouth a small, tight line.
    â€œYou’re all I have,” he said quietly.
    â€œThat’s not true, Nathan,” I said.
    â€œYes, it is true, Celia.”
    â€œNathan, you have lots of other friends.”
    â€œBut none of them count. No one but you counts.”
    The waitress arrived with his goblet of tiramisu, put it down in front of him. “Go on with your life, you say,” he was muttering. “Find a boyfriend. Don’t you think I’d do the same thing if I could? But all those options are closed to me, Celia. There’s nowhere for me to go, no route that isn’t dangerous. I mean, getting on with my life—I just can’t talk about that simply anymore, the way you can.” He leaned closer, over the table. “Do you want to know something?” he said. “Every time I see someone I’m attracted to I go into a cold sweat. And I imagine that they’re dead, that if I touch them, the part of them I touch will die. Don’t you see? It’s bad enough to be afraid you might get it. But to be afraid you might give it—and to someone you loved—” He shook his head, put his hand to his forehead.
    What could I say to that? What possibly was there to say? I took his hand, suddenly, I squeezed his hand until the edges of his